Lessons Learned from My Stillborn Son

The sharp cold air chipped away at my numb frame as my feet cut through the deep fallen leaves. My stillborn son’s funeral finished just hours before and left painful silence in its wake.  Nagging emptiness grew into an urgent unexplainable need to return to the dark cemetery. So here I sat, ankle deep in decaying leaves rubbing his tiny fresh grave-the only thing left of him to touch. No one warned me how much the death of my baby would hurt. The depth and weight of physical pain it brought was frightening. The priceless lessons learned, though, have deepened my love and knowledge of the Lord. “I have learned to …

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I Have Hope

“My soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:21-23 It was quiet, too quiet.  All the rush of people in and out of the room the days before had all come to an end. The darkness, even the newborn bed that was made specifically to be lit up and warm was completely dark and still. My eyes went back to the unlit lamp over my son’s …

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Abide in Me

When I am asked, “How many children do you have?” I don’t know how to respond. “Three,” I answer, while I finish the sentence in my head, “…here with me and one in Heaven.” I will never forget my daughter, Rachel Faith, even if the only life she experienced was in the womb. She is always with me. As beautiful as she was at birth and at death, those images are not what flutter through my mind. I imagine her dancing with her sister. I twirl her dark curls. I embrace her, though she’s not physically here. Rachel died at …

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Uninvited Diagnosis

  She was tiny, frail and unable to meet any of her developmental milestones.  I knew her biological mom had used every drug imaginable during her pregnancy.  Nevertheless, the neurologist’s diagnosis cut through me.  Our adopted daughter would struggle through life with brain damage. Two years later, another uninvited diagnosis forced its way into my world. It came from a high-risk pregnancy doctor that rushed into the room after a longer than normal ultrasound. He dug the ultrasound wand into my swollen belly while still chewing his half eaten lunch, “Absent bladder…hernia…heart on the wrong side.  Most likely Trisomy 18. The …

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