Say “Yes” to Pink Hair – Pick Your Battles Wisely

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By Featured Guest: Kathy Howard

 

 

Do you sometimes feel like “no” is the only word in your parenting vocabulary? If you have teens and preteens it certainly might be the word they hear most often.

  • No, you can’t stay out until midnight on a school night.
  • No, you can’t see that “R” rated movie with your friends.
  • No, you can’t skip school to go to the mall for the big sale.
  • No, you can’t jump off the bridge even though all your friends are doing it.

 

Each phase of a child’s growing up presents unique challenges. Because teenagers are straining toward independence, those years are often marked with drama and discord. They constantly ask to do things that we know are not best for them. So, we say “no.” A lot. After all, our children should benefit from our wisdom and not make the same mistakes we did. Right?

Pick your battles

When our oldest daughter, Kelley, entered junior high a wise friend taught me something I believe is vital to the parent-teen relationship. “Pick your battles. Say ‘yes’ as often as you can. Save the “no’s” for the things that really matter.” It wasn’t long before I got to practice what she taught me.

“Mom, I’ve been thinking,” Kelley said one afternoon when I picked her up from school. “I want to do something different with my hair. It’s so boring.”

“Okay, what are you thinking?” I responded.

“I really, really want to dye it pink.” (Yes, she said “pink” with a straight face.)

That two-letter word almost popped out before I could think. Kelley’s hair has always been beautiful. Even at age 13 it was thick, shiny, and wavy. Thoughts raced around in my head like that little metal sphere in a pinball machine. Has she lost her mind? Pink hair would be such a bad choice. What would the people at church think?

Those were the things I wanted to say. Right after “no” of course. Instead I said, “I tell you what. Why don’t you talk to Wendy (the gal who cut all our hair) and find out what’s involved.”

The danger of too many “no’s”

No confrontations. No arguments. I didn’t want Kelley to have pink hair, but I had to decide if this was a battle worth fighting. Parents must say “no” so often. We must protect our teens physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That requires a lot of “no’s.”

But if all we ever say is “no,” our children will feel defeated and frustrated. They will pull against the restraints and push even harder toward independence. In the extreme, they will stop asking us for permission and simply do it anyway.

I am not suggesting we let our teenagers do whatever they want. Our three grown children would be the first to tell you we did not allow them to do much of what their friends were allowed to do. I may have said “yes” to pink hair, but I said “no” to going on dates at fourteen. What I am saying is that you should look for opportunities to say “yes.”

Each time we can say “yes” we open up the lines of communication. We build and strengthen the relationship. We affirm their individuality and intelligence. Constant “no’s” do the opposite.

“Don’t make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, ESV).

When is it alright to say “yes?”

Here are a few general guidelines to consider:

  • Are your personal tastes and preferences clouding your decision? (Just because you wouldn’t choose it doesn’t mean it’s a bad choice for your teen.)
  • Is her request safe for her and everyone else involved?
  • Is her request spiritually, morally, and legally acceptable?

When I applied these guidelines to the pink hair request I decided to say “yes.” In the end, when Kelley had the freedom to make the decision herself, she decided against it. It required too many processes and upkeep. But even if she had gone ahead with it, the world would not have ended because my daughter had pink hair. And who knows she may have even learned a valuable lesson while it was growing out.

Kathy Howard calls herself a “confused southerner.” Raised in Louisiana, she has moved with her engineer husband around the U.S. and Canada. She says “pop” instead of “Coke” and “you guys” as often as “ya’ll.” But those things are just superficial – she’s still a southern girl at heart!

Kathy helps women live an unshakeable faith through her Bible teaching and writing. She encourages them to stand firm on our rock-solid God no matter the circumstances of life. Kathy has been teaching the Bible for over 20 years to a varied audience – everyone from middle school students to teen moms to church leaders. She has a Masters in Christian Education from the Canadian Southern Baptist Seminary. Kathy served on a church staff in Midland, Texas for the last five years until her family’s recent move to the Houston area.

Kathy and her husband have three children, two son-in-laws, and one precious grandbaby. When the family gets together there are also four dogs in the mix. Kathy writes to have something to do while she drinks coffee and eats chocolate. Find out about her books and speaking ministry and get discipleship tools and leader helps at her website: www.kathyhoward.org.

Stephanie Shott
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