Bait and Switch: How to Drop Your Gloves When Your Kids are Challenging You to a Fight

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Kids seem born with an innate knowledge of how to push their mommies’ buttons.

Especially when teenagers or kids of any age know they are wrong, they take pleasure in seeing just how many buttons it takes to send mom over the deep end.

And when we put on the gloves and enter the ring with them it may feel good for a little, but in the end we all lose.

We not only lose our cool, but we lose a teaching moment.

We lose the opportunity to show an example of how adults ought handle difficult people and situations.

We lose the chance to show our children how much we really love them because we become their opponent rather than their coach and encourager.

So how do we stop taking the bait and switch gears so we don’t end up fighting?

“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger…” Ephesians 4:26 (ESV)

  1. Watch your tone of voice. It is ok if our words are edged with anger or frustration as long as we are honest with ourselves and our kids why our words sound that way. What is not ok is if we yell. Yelling only causes us both to lose our marbles and ends all intelligent communication.
  2. Watch your choice of words. Name calling or using words like “always” or “never” will only fuel the fire of anger and frustration escalating the situation rather than cooling it off. Resulting in fighting rather than a rational conversation.
  3. Tell your teen or child that you do not want to fight. It is ok for you both not to see things eye-to-eye. Your child may not like all of your decisions, but we must teach our children to respectfully disagree. This means that you will not discuss a topic your child feels strongly about unless he or she is respectfully discussing the issue with you. In Say Goodbye to Whining Complaining and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids, Miller and Turansky encourage you teach your children to respectfully disagree by using this formula: “Mom, I know you want me to/told me not to/said I couldn’t go ______________________. I have a problem with that because _________________. May I please _______________________________.” Teaching our children to respectfully disagree will help them navigate multiple situations in life. Sometimes we may discover our decision was not the best one when we slow down and listen to our children.
  4. If you or your child cannot calm down enough to talk take some time to cool off first. Not every discussion must be completed right away. Often it is wise for both you and your child to cool off before finishing a discussion. But don’t ignore the issue. Schedule a time later that day or even the next and make sure you discuss the issue.
  5. Don’t let the past dictate the future. It is easy to get into bad communication habits. Suddenly angry voices or fighting is the only way you relate to your child or about a specific subject. Instead decide before you speak at all to your child that you will not engage in an argument. You may have to make a decision that is unpopular, but you can be firm without fighting and screaming.
  6. Pray for yourself and your child. Pray that you will be a good example of how to handle highly emotional or frustrating circumstances. Pray that your child will make wise choices and that he or she will understand how loved they are.

When our children bait us into arguments we can switch the direction of the conversation with a few tools and some help from God.

How do you handle it when your child baits you into an argument?

Stephanie Shott
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