At one time we lived on planet earth, according to my eleven-year-old daughter, Ainsleigh. Then I got married in June of 2014, and she said that we had moved to Mars.
On earth, Ainsleigh could mostly eat what she wanted, stay up as late as she wanted and pretty much do what she wanted…all of the time.
For the first ten years of Ainsleigh’s life, I was a single mother who worked full time as a high school English teacher. And what they say about teachers is true. We are way under paid and always over-worked. So, Ainsleigh got to do what she wanted because I was always working, even when I was at home grading papers or planning elaborate lessons for my college prep students.
But on Mars as Ainsleigh liked to call it, a man named JD lived there too. JD helped me to instill new rules such as a regular bedtime, better eating habits, respectful behavior and many more adjustments to our life on the red planet.
These adjustments were not easy for any of us. But, we all knew that the changes were much needed and felt right. You see, I had created a child-centered home. I was good at that. After all, I was a teacher and that’s what teachers do. But what worked in my class room, as a teacher, was not working at home.
Before I got married, Ainsleigh would choose the movies and the TV shows we watched. Ainsleigh and I spent our down time and weekends cuddled up on the couch. We were Friday night movie pals and Saturday morning breakfast buddies. But things could not stay this way forever. It simply was not healthy.
In the beginning of my marriage, life was chaotic. Ainsleigh would get upset because she was used to having Mommy all to herself; there was no room for my husband, JD. She would even get jealous when JD tried to hold my hand. She did not want to share Mommy or lose the power she had come to know. She did not understand that her role was changing from my best friend to our beloved child and daughter.
There were arguments and tears directed at me. Ainsleigh was sent to time out in her bedroom on numerous occasions to think about her poor behavior and her lashing out. We often had long conversations in her room after the tears had stopped about why things had to change. These conversations were always helpful as I tried to love on her and dry her tears and comfort her through these changes.
And, I often cried too in my bathroom as I struggled to be strong and put boundaries into place. I was to blame. I had allowed my daughter to rule our roost, and that just wasn’t working in my new marriage.
More often than not, my husband got the silent treatment from Ainsleigh. She had decided that he was the cause of all of this turmoil, and she thought she could just shut him out of her life by not speaking to him. But, through lots of patience and time, JD was able to earn her trust. And, we didn’t allow Ainsleigh to disrespect JD either. She had to respond to his questions even if she answered in one word, cold retorts.
We had to gracefully and lovingly let her know that JD and I were a united front. We were going to parent her and set boundaries for her together. Ainsleigh had to come to the understanding that her rightful place was as a daughter and a child who didn’t get what she wanted all of the time. She had to learn that being the child meant that she sometimes came in second place.
Children need boundaries and rules. Society works well when there are rules and laws to follow. Life can be hard and full of difficult consequences when you don’t follow the rules. God gives us rules to follow in the Bible. The more we follow his rules and guidance, the easier and more blessed our lives become. The less we follow God’s rules and commandments, the harsher our consequences are for our sin.
Ainsleigh needed to learn this in her home before she could be expected to learn how to do this at school or in public. After two years of marriage, thankfully we now have a peaceful home. JD is still earning Ainsleigh’s trust. But, she now wants to spend time with JD and misses him when he is away for work.
I make special mommy, daughter dates at least twice a month when the two of us can do something together like go shopping or get an ice cream. It is still important for Ainsleigh to feel valued and special…just not spoiled.
Boundaries, rules and respect are important for a peaceful home. How your children behave in their home is how they will behave out in public too. Kids need to know what to expect, and they will thrive in a loving, yet firm environment. If you don’t teach them respect for others, who will?
Ainsleigh has finally decided that life on Mars isn’t so bad after all.
How have you helped your children go through difficult transitions?
Be Blessed,
AllisonD
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