Have you experienced a divorce, break-up, or relational trauma during motherhood? If so, you may be experiencing emotions and pain that are barriers to healthy mothering. I can tell you this: You are not alone! Oh, dear mom, I know you may be feeling such grief, such overwhelming emotions, that you feel so desperately alone. You may be feeling guilt, shame, exhaustion, or a period of confusion. Your friends and family may not be understanding or may even be a source of your feeling of shame. If so, take a minute to visualize me reaching my arm around your shoulders, hugging you, and letting you know, you are not alone, and God adores you, so, so much, and He can help you through this.
There is a normal development process that happens when divorce, break-up, or relational trauma happens. Read through this. You may find yourself smack in the middle of one of these stages. Or maybe you can recognize stages you have already gone through. As important as it is to know the stage you are in, it is more important to know that God is able, and willing, to guide you through it.
Reaction:
When the divorce or break-up is new, or trauma is recent, mom may experience confusion, denial, rage, or despair. She may feel so overwhelmed or hopeless, that she is at risk for depression or severe anxiety. It is often a state of shock, and things said or done during this period may be looked back upon with regret. It is a deep loss, even if it was a decision made by mom. It is loss of a dream of happily ever-after, a loss of the hope of this lifetime partner, and a loss for your children are experiencing, though differently, right along with you.
A passage to hold close to your heart during this stage:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God (II Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV).
Roller-coaster:
This period of time is often stormy. Mom is over the shock, but is still experiencing times of crisis. Children are still not managing the loss well, and mom is on a roller coaster of emotion, sometimes feeling euphoria over accomplishments made on her own, and sometimes feeling the reality of the loss deeply. You may feel the loss of friendships during this period, of people who are not willing to ride the roller-coaster with you, which may make you feel all those feelings of shame all over again, and then your feelings of accomplishment suddenly get run-over by your feelings of shame. You may feel like you look crazy to others, because, well, most people in this period of transition look a little “crazy.” That doesn’t mean you are. It means you are on the roller-coaster ride of emotion that is headed, likely, toward the renewal stage, but has a lot of hills to climb and valleys to coast through before it get s there. If you feel like you are in this stage, take heart. You can intentionally point the coaster toward renewal. And when you let God lead you through it, really lean on Him as the source of your hope—because remember, He has not abandoned you, even during the “crazy” ride through this stage— you will make it to renewal. Take heart, dear mama!
A passage to hold close to your heart during this stage:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4).
Renewal:
During this stage, mom is starting to re-establish a social life, and is being intentional about joining a community again. This is a great time to take on new rituals for yourself and for your family. Be intentional about this. Take this time to pray about and figure out how life can look like for you and your family now, in a new positive way. See what God has brought you and your children through, and know that He has so much planned for you. He already knew what you would go through, and He knows where you are headed. Trust Him, be willing to think of positive outcomes for you and your family, despite the pain, or, maybe because you have walked through it.
A passage to hold close to your heart during this stage:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30).
Re-balancing:
In this stage, dear mom, you are getting back to your ordinary development tasks. You have found, or are in process of finding, a new pattern, new meaning for your life, and for your children’s lives. You have walked, run, or coasted through a lot of pain, but you can see now that there is new life, and new challenges, and new hope ahead of you. It is a time of rest, a time of understanding, a time of forgiveness, a time of positive change.
A passage to take to heart during this stage:
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit” (Jeremiah 17: 7-8).
If you feel that you are stuck in any of these stages, please ask for help from a pastor or qualified Christian counselor. Or, a mentor who has gone through the stages herself, and found healing on the other side of them, could be just the person God has been leading you to. Feel free to let us, at the MOM Initiative, pray for you, too!
- Ch…ch…ch…CHANGES Are Coming in 2017 for TMI - December 27, 2016
- What New Thing Are You Ready to See God Do in Your Life in 2017? - December 26, 2016
- Heaviness and Newness - December 23, 2016
