Don’t you love how God teaches us through our experiences? Recently, I had the honor of meeting and working with another mother for a few hours. This woman was about 20 years my senior, and we had a wonderful time talking about our children. As she talked, she began to cry about the choices one of her children was making. I was moved by this, encouraged her as best I could, and prayed with her. Later, as I was reflecting on our conversation, I began to think about a lie that I have believed for most of my parenting years. It is a subconscious untruth I believe we perpetuate as mothers, and it is ruining our relationships with our children. It is the lie that if we do everything right (as if we could), our children will turn out to be perfect people(as if they could) because of it.
Imperfect Parents, Imperfect Children
As the mother of a teenager, I am recently realizing how detrimental these thoughts are. I believed for quite some time that if I focused on obedience and discipline, and my husband focused on manhood; that if we taught him principles of the Bible and tons of memory verses and if we homeschooled him or private schooled him, he would not be like all the other rebellious teenagers that I see or hear about. He would be the most respectful, responsible Christian child. So, we did those things. We limited television and still do. We taught biblical principles and memory verses, and still do. We homeschool. We teach about manhood and fatherhood. And yet he still does wrong. He is still sometimes disrespectful. And he is still sometimes rebellious.
See, I believed that if I put in the “perfect” formula, I would get the “perfect” product. And that is just not the case because there is no such thing. We are not perfect parents and there are no perfect children. The reality is that godly children are a product of changed hearts. We hear that and we know that, but we must truly believe it and live it in our daily lives. I am constantly reminded, that n0 matter what I do, I do not have the power to change my son’s heart. I do have the responsibility to nurture him and love him well. It is good to do the outward things. We MUST do the outward things as parents. It is biblically commanded. It is our job. But the truth is, I cannot change my children’s hearts, and no amount of outward work that I do will change that.
Yet Our Children are in Our Charge
As mothers, we have been blessed with children. Motherhood may be difficult, and it pushes us to the limits; but thank God that He has blessed us in this way. What an awesome privilege to do our best in raising them in a way that is honoring to the Lord. Pray about what is best for your family in making decisions for your children. Don’t be afraid to go against the grain when it comes to your kids. There is no cookie cutter answer for what is best for your family – whether it is schooling, or extra curricular activities, or infant sleeping practices. Seek parenting tips and skills from the Bible and from other women. Find a woman around you whose parenting style and children you admire. Ask her to meet with you. One of the best things I did when looking to homeschool was to spend a day with a mom who I felt was successful at homeschooling. I am constantly speaking with other women about what they are doing in their homeschooling journey. I make a point to talk with mothers who are interested in homeschooling and invite them to observe our day. We have a great resources in the women around us.
Oftentimes, doing what is best for a children can come at the cost of ourselves. When Proverbs 31:10-30 speaks about that wife (and mother) and all that she was doing, we can only imagine that there were times that she was tired and that she gave up some of the things she wanted to do for herself so that she could do for her family. One of the most valuable lessons to learn as a mom is to be “present” in your children’s lives. That doesn’t only mean spending time with them, but also truly listening and talking with them as well. For me, that means unplugging from my phone and Facebook. For others, it may mean turning off the television. For others, it could be turning ON the television and watching your child’s favorite show with them. Whatever it is that you are doing with your child at the moment, BE THERE. These are the times that we (and they) will reflect on as we get older.
It is worth pointing out that when we do our best at following biblical principles and commands in raising our children, we can have a clearer conscience and a greater hope in their salvation. When I have invested my time, energy, and life to nurturing my children in a way that is honoring to the Lord, I believe that I have prepared my children’s hearts toward God, and that will in turn make it easier for them to accept and follow Him. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (ESV) As parents, we must train our children so they have a greater affinity towards godly things.
The Lord is in Control
The Bible charges us as women to be good stewards of our children. It is right and good to do our very best to ensure that we are taking good care of the blessings He has entrusted us with. Yet, the Lord also lets us know that our children are ultimately in His control. Proverbs 19:20-21 says, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future. Many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” (ESV) This scripture applies perfectly to our children. Yes, we are to seek and listen to the advice of the Bible, other women, and even the vast amount of information on the internet. However, even if we were to do everything perfectly right, “it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” I find so much freedom in that, sister friend! What a blessing it is that even when I have done what I could, and even if I fail, the Lord is the ultimate caregiver to my child. His plan will be perfected in my child’s life. Oh yes, I can nurture my child so that he can be more receptive to the instruction and discipline of the Lord (and I should do so), but I am not the changer of his heart.
Prayer Changes Things
Prayer is where our charge meets the Lord’s control. Although I know what I should be doing, I don’t always do it. There are many, many times I have failed to do what is best for my children. And although I know the Lord’s will for my child is perfect, I still sometimes worry about how they will turn out. It is in those times, dear sister, I pray deeply for myself and for my child. I pray that I am changed to show more of Christ’s love to my children. I pray that I become more temperate and patient. I pray that I am slow to speak and slow to anger. These are all shortcomings in my life that would haunt me if I looked at society’s standards of what a “good mom” should be. Yet, they do not depress me because I bring it to my Lord in prayer and rest in the fact that He hears me and helps me to change.
I pray for my children as well. Oftentimes, I pray for their attitudes and shortcomings. I also pray for their strengths and for their future spouses. I pray that their hearts would be open to the things that I am trying to teach them. Lastly, I pray that God will work His perfect plan in their lives, and that He would work things out on their behalf. It gives me so much peace to know that God loves my child more than I do!
Today, I just want to encourage you as your look back over Mother’s Day, to find the strength to love your children WELL and to rest in God’s plan for all of you.
Peace to You,
Tamika Guillebeaux
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