October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Men and women all over the world light candles at 7 PM in memory of the babies they have lost to miscarriage, still birth, or infant death.
In light of this special day’s approach next week, I wanted to share with you five ways to encourage someone who is grieving.
Because my husband and I have lost four babies to miscarriage, people often come to me after a friend loses a baby and ask, “How can I help?” They want to do something, but don’t know what would be most helpful.
5 Ways to Support the Grieving (photo courtesy: freedigitalphotos.net/anankkml)
5 Ways to Support the Grieving:
1. Be there.
Offer a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. Be a safe place for someone to go when they need to cry and express their emotions. Don’t offer solutions or advice. Just listen (and maybe shed a tear or two with them).
2. Refrain from offering advice or words of wisdom.
Here are a few things NOT to say:
“I know how you feel.” (Because really, there’s no way anyone could possibly know exactly how another person feels.)
“God needed them more than you did.” (God does not need people. He is fully God and fully complete exactly as He is.)
“You just have to trust God’s plan. God knows what he is doing.” (This statement, though meant to bring comfort, often only brings anger at God. In the midst of grief, no one wants to know that pain might be part of God’s plan.)
“At least you have….” (Many people said this to me after our miscarriages. “At least you have one child.” One child does not make the loss of another any easier. Though finding things to be thankful for in the midst of grief can be very helpful to an individual, it’s not something they need to do right at the beginning…and it’s not something someone needs to tell them to do either. Eventually, God will work in their heart and bring them to a place where they can be thankful again. That’s God’s role, not ours.)
“You’ll have another. Don’t worry.” (People mean well when they say things like this in regard to miscarriage, but the truth is, who knows if they will be able to have another child?)
“You have to trust God’s timing.” (Again, this statement is just not helpful to someone grieving a loss.)
Instead of saying these things, offer judgment-free listening and hugs. Tell them, “I’m so sorry” and let that be it.
3. Do something practical.
Bring them a meal.
Offer to watch their children for free.
Bring over their favorite dessert or candy bar.
Pick up some groceries for them.
Take care of some laundry or cleaning for them.
Take them out to a movie or to dinner (if they feel up to it).
Buy them a gift or a card.
Don’t just say, “Let me know if you need anything.” Instead, offer something specific you would like to do. “I’m bringing over dinner this week. What night works for you?”
4. Pray for them.
When we feel helpless, we often forget about the most powerful tool we have available: the power of prayer. Lift your friend up to the throne room of heaven. In reality, this is probably the MOST important thing we can do for someone who is grieving.
5. Remember with them.
One of my greatest fears with our miscarriages is that everyone else will forget my babies even existed. Because of this fear, it is a huge encouragement when someone tells me they are remembering my children with me.
When months have passed and the rest of the world has moved on, send your friend a note letting them know you are remembering with them. This will be such a blessing.
What other helpful suggestions would you add to this list?
*photo courtesy: freedigitalphotos.net/anankkml
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Lindsey Bell is the author of Unbeaten and of Searching for Sanity. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, and chocolate lover. You can find Lindsey online at her website: www.lindseymbell.com.
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