After living with teenagers for nearly 18 years, you would think I’ve figured out exactly how to connect on a heart-to-heart level, right?
Of course, you may be wondering how does one live with teens for that many years? Well, my husband is a boarding school teacher, so I’ve literally spent my whole adult life with tweens and teens from around the world and across the United States. We eat together. Worship together. Enjoy life together.
I get to see what they are really like when their parents aren’t watching and especially as they try desperately to gain the approval of their peers. I get to walk with them through disappointments and failures as well as through triumphs and the precious moments of success. We do life side-by-side, which is how my concept of mentoring was formed, while also doing it intentionally by meeting together for ETC nights and Mugs & Morning gatherings.
It’s not surprising that when you look at the description for each of the generations — like Gen X, Gen Y, Millennials — that I tend to think more like a Millennial. I’ve been immersed in their world for nearly two decades, but that isn’t the reason I learned how connect with their hearts. It’s helped, but the real secret was learning how to ask the right questions, and that came in the most unexpected way.
When I embarked on life coach training, I really intended to use it with women in a ministry context. While it’s become that as well as my business, the greatest blessing has been in using the skills in my parenting, especially with my own tween and teen, and in mentoring the teen girls in my community. Through learning how to asking open-ended, thought-provoking questions, while actively listening to the heart, I’ve been able connect on a deeper level with next generation. Whether it is sitting at the kitchen counter with my daughter or engaging with student across our dinner table in the School’s dining hall, learning how to ask the right question at the right time has transformed my ability to really get into a teen’s thinking and help them process life through an eternal perspective. It’s always amazing to me how the right questions, asked at the appropriate time, can open the doorway to a teen’s heart and establish a meaningful connection.
So how about I share with you a sneak-peek of what I’ve learned and how you can apply it in your relationship with your tweens and teens?
Step One: Consider the Moment
Before launching into a conversation that is meant to connect with your teen’s heart, consider the moment and how to set the stage for a sweet, tender time together.
- Are they too tired for the conversation?
- Who is in earshot that might keep them from talking?
- What’s on their mind that might be a distraction — or maybe a more pressing need to chat about?
- Is there an offense or hurt between the two of you that needs to be reconciled?
- Do you need to, seek help from a godly friend, a pastor, or counselor to figure out what needs to happen to restore an emotionally and spiritually healthy connection with your teen before you can engage with them on a regular basis?
- Is there time to have this conversation without being rushed?
- Is there a good time to plan for this conversation, such as a long car ride together or going out for dinner?
- Have you spent time praying about connecting with their heart?
Step Two: Ask a Question
These five questions are just enough to get you going in the direction of connecting with the your teen’s heart, but be sure to NOT ask all of them at once or they will feel like they are on the firing squad. Pick one question and leave it at that — and remember, you’re job isn’t to come up with the answer or solution. You simply want them to open up and share, without being criticized, advised, or being turned into a project.
- What’s the most challenging thing happening in your life right now?
- What are you most afraid of as you think about the next season (in life, academically, or athletically) ahead of you?
- If you could change one thing in yourself, what would it be?
- If you could change one thing about our family or your friends, what would it be?
- What are you most grateful for or happy about?
BONUS QUESTIONS
If the conversation is going well, you can pick one of these bonus questions to ask as a way to go deeper:
- Would you like my help in brainstorm a solution?
- Would you like my advice?
- Could I share my experience?
- How could I pray for you?
- Would you like to talk about this again in the future?
{If you’d like more questions like these, check out the 21 Questions resource from More to Be.}
Step Three: Plan a Follow Up
Once you start connecting with your teen’s heart, there’s no need to stop. Make a plan, with the Lord, to follow up with your teen again. Consider their willingness and especially, Step One — the moment — as you make a plan for talking together. If they would like to follow up, the conversation could start with picking up where you left off. If that wasn’t the direction, you could start fresh with another question.
As a woman who thinks like a Millennial, I can promise you this . . .
They want to hear your stories, know your struggles, and feel your support, even if what you see is a standoffish behavior and too much eye-rolling. I pray you’ll risk your pride and step out in faith to connect with your teens on a real heart-to-heart level.
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