It’s no secret. Men and women are very different. But God not only created us differently on purpose, He also made us for each other. So “different” can definitely be compatible. We just have to know the “secret.”
Recently, I got the chance to sit down with author Pam Farrel and chat about her and her husband’s latest book The Secret Language Code of Successful Couples.
The “secret language code” is based on men and women’s core needs. Men’s core need is “success” and women’s is “security.” These core needs reflect Paul’s directive in Ephesians 5 for men to love their wives like Christ loves the church and for women to respect their husbands.
Women are hard-wired for security. We need to know it’s safe to be who we are, that our husbands will support us in our dreams, hopes, and ambitions. “We want our man to put wings to our dreams.” For women, love equals security.
Men are wired with the need to feel successful in all areas of life, particularly in their relationship with their wife. For men, respect equals success. Pam encourages women to speak to our husbands as God would, to encourage him in his life calling, to give him the “gift of success.”
Here are Pam’s top 5 tips for wives to use the right “secret language” with their husbands:
1. Keep it short – when we talk to our husbands, Pam says we should “give them the Cliff notes.” Don’t elaborate or add lengthy descriptions. Our men want us to get to the point quickly. They want the main facts. Then, if that gets their attention, we can feel free to add in more details as they’re willing.
2. Say it with food – that old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” really is true. If we have something really important we need to talk about with our husband, Pam’s advice is to prepare his favorite meal. Connection in conversation is most easily achieved when their bellies are happy.
3. Keep it positive – Do you have something difficult you need to talk about with your husband? Pam says to “wrap hard with wonderful.” Begin with something positive and encouraging and then sprinkle more throughout the conversation. Build up your man however you can even when you’re talking about something difficult or working out a problem.
4. Kill the control freak – Men need a “low-maintenance” woman. Unfortunately, we women like to have things the way we want them. But we can inhibit our selfish tendencies and cut down on the nagging by humbly considering others “better than ourselves” and looking to the needs and interests of others (see Philippians 2:4-5).
5. Don’t point out their flaws – The “male ego” is not just a stereotype. It’s founded in their God-given need for success. When wives point out their husbands’ flaws, it quickly deflates their feelings of success, leaving them feeling defeated and disrespected. Instead, women can ask God to show us our own areas of weakness and how we can change to be the wives our husbands need.
Pam says the overarching key to a successful marriage is for both the husband and wife to “keep in step with the Spirit.” We must prayerfully and continually ask God what to say and not say and what to do and not do. Then we must follow the Spirit’s leading.
Without breaking confidences, tell us about a time you spoke the wrong language to your husband. What was the result?
Kathy Howard is a guest contributor for The Mom Initiative. You can find out more about her books and speaking ministry at www.kathyhoward.org
Thank you to Pam Farrel for talking with me about The Secret Language Code of Successful Couples. Pam Farrel and her husband, Bill, are the “go-to” couple in the Christian community for marriage and relationship advice. During their 25 years of experience in church ministry, they’ve been on a quest to discover how relationships work. They’ve written numerous books, spoken at hundreds of conferences, and write regularly for magazines.
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