The countdown for the news show KFXL began, I readied my station, checking audio levels, station channels, and performing mic checks as six screens in front of me displayed various shows on both ABC and FOX.
My co-workers performed their various duties too when suddenly, we all yelled at the TV in disgust as The Bachelorette switched from scenes of Andi Dorfman gushing over the abs of one of the guys vying for her attention and scenes of the guys stripping all for the sake of charity. Granted that was two episodes ago, last week’s show was a bit better as all the guys practiced a classic love song by Boys To Men. But….hmm…what can I say about the show?
There’s something not quite right with shows like The Bachelorette teaching the rest of America how to find true love.
In every scene we see guys (or girls on The Bachelor) decompressing about the thrill of going on dates with the one, all the while a single rose is lying in between the so called happy couple, reminding the potential “pick” he (or she) needs to gain approval.
Later the scene unfolds as the guy (or gal) wasn’t picked, wasn’t approved of, while he pours his heart out over losing the one. But as I listen to their words of heartbreak–I don’t hear about a loss of love. I don’t hear how this person made them better, I don’t hear how this person caused them to understand the depths of love through commitment and putting in 100 percent. Rather I hear everything that tear apart a marriage, “we weren’t compatible, we couldn’t work it out, she had eyes for another, I guess I wasn’t what she wanted, I’m not her soul mate.”
In my short 15 years of marriage, I’ve faced infidelity, differing dreams, different wants, miscarriage, financial collapse, special needs kids, and differing career paths. Yet one phrase has always stuck with me,
“You want to save your heart, practice a safe marriage–stay married–no matter what.”
So what is Andi and the rest of Hollywood teaching us about love: Nothing is more exciting or fulfilling than pursuing your a potential “true” love.
And yet, as each new season of the Bachelorette unfolds, we see the same train wreck take place, time and again. Girl meets 25 guys, girl speed dates, girl is thrilled over their pursuits, girl compromises, girl decides on guy, girl and guy tell American they’re taking things slow before breaking up. One season later, they vow to pursue the next one that comes along.
As I go through edits in a chapter about finding a stand up guy in my book for teenage/young moms, I wonder how many of them think they need to be like Andi Dorfman to find true love? Already burned and cynical relationships because of poor choices; these young moms identify with the rest of America.
Whether single or married many don’t want a single red rose affirming they are loved.
Instead of equating love as a warm body or new love interest that hasn’t been eliminated by the competition, let’s remind ourselves, Andi and the rest of the world, love is more than just a commitment, it’s a selfless undying attitude with the following character:
Love is very patient and kind Love never gives up
Love doesn’t boast Love isn’t selfish or rude
Love doesn’t demand its own way
Love doesn’t force itself on others
Love doesn’t keep score
Love forgets all wrong doing, never holding a grudge
Love is loyal no matter the cost
Love always looks at the best
Love stands its ground defending—no matter what.
This is real love, the kind that has been tempered with time and resembles the best of our Father God. Today, as I reflect on my marriage and how I want to raise my kids, I want to write a letter that I hope you share with your daughters, sons, singles, and struggling marrieds–maybe even with Andi herself:
Dear Andi, (and every teenage, young mom, single woman out there) I hope someone tells you to stick to your given birthright as a God’s little girl.
You’ve already won his approval and he has someone for you.
You don’t have to wear revealing dresses, cheer for a guy willing to strip in front of thousands of women, fall into bed after the first date, or be someone other than yourself to gain approval, or push the boundaries of our morals, or do what the producers or friends are telling you to find true love.
I hope someone tells you true love is found in a stand up guy that loves God more than you. True love is found when both of you are willing to put 100 percent into the relationship, even when the struggling years seem to tell you it won’t out work out. I hope someone tells you to be yourself, to be bravely you resting in God’s approval is the biggest, hardest, most difficult thing any woman will ever do.
And when you do begin to get comfortable being who God created you to be, he will bring your life partner at just the right time. This, I promise!
Join Heather at the Better Together Conference. She will be talking about taking the Detour to Motherhood to teen/young moms and will be talking about “Falling to Peace(s): What happens when life falls apart and we let God pick up the pieces. Suddenly we find grace in being imperfectly perfect.”
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