“Don’t you talk back to me,” my mother said to me. “Don’t you talk back to me,” I said to my children. “Don’t talk back,” I bet you’ve said to your kiddos too. Every mom wonders what to do about talking back.
Every mom knows what talking back looks like and sounds like. We move quickly to squash it in toddlers and teens. End it. Redirect it. But in my efforts to stop it, most of the time I missed the hidden treasure. The good God intended to come from the evil. Talking back may be a mom’s best opportunity.
- It was winter and he was three when he opened the door, looked over his shoulder, and announced, “No mommy. No coat for me!”
- She was fifteen when her eyes met mine and she blurted, “You just want me to dress like a pilgrim!”
We long to know the heart of our child. God’s Word says “What you say flows from what is in your heart.” (Luke 6:45b) When toxic words spout out as talking back, we can know what’s in our child’s heart. But back talk sounds like it’s full of defiance, rejection, and opposition. Our first instinct may be to grab hold of that attitude and stuff it back into submission.
Not so fast, friend-moms. Just as God listens to our unedited blurtings, continues to love us unconditionally, and gently helps our heart condition, so we can press through hot words to the heart of our child. Kiddos need us to be unafraid in the face of back talk. Children need us to respond with confidence in knowing words reveal the heart, and the heart matters more than the words of the moment.
Talking back is an immature person’s attempt to communicate big feelings. When a child back talks, it’s natural for a parent to feel alert, and even afraid, of where the attitude will lead if unaddressed. Back talk reveals broader truths and deeper needs than compliant conversation. Rather than lashing out with mom-authority, we can listen for the real message. If we simply stuff it, we’ll miss it.
Talking back reveals the heart
- Is back talk loud? Our child may not feel they’re being heard.
- Is back talk emotional? Our child may have intense or wounded feelings.
- Is back talk toxic? Our child may be insecure, trying to hurt before they’re hurt.
- Is back talk wrong? Our child may be deceived or confused about what’s true.
- Is back talk wounded? Our child may be suffering as a result of our weaknesses.
Talking back is an opportunity to hear and help the hidden places of our children’s heart.
The treasure of talking back
No one will fault you for squashing back talk. In fact, mom friends, shoppers at Wal-mart, and grandmas may applaud you. “You won’t hear her kids talk back to her!” But let the praise fool you.
Moms who want to know what’s deep in the heart of their children will listen to the message coming through the childishly blurted back talk. Those moms will hear what’s in the youthful heart and will see through the sin to shape the real need.
When a child talks back (and they will), listen to the words, hear the message, and understand the heart cry. With your own heart in the right place, lovingly shape the childish need that’s exposed, just as our Heavenly Father shapes us.
You may need a combination of listening, teaching, modeling, coaching, praying, and disciplining as a response to back talk. It’s more effort than just stuffing strong words back where they came from, but it’s more effective.
So do we encourage talking back? Is it okay for our kids to talk back at three or thirteen? No. But talking back is a childish way children sometimes communicate. Let’s discern what back talk tells us about the hidden places in the heart. Talking back is not okay, but it’s an opportunity.
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