“You don’t trust me!”
At some point nearly every parent of a teenager will hear this accusation.
And if you, parent, are like me your first reaction is probably a mixture of:
“You are right! I don’t trust you!”
“I don’t even trust myself.”
“I trust you, I just don’t trust other people…”
Setting boundaries as your child is rapidly approaching “adulthood” is difficult, but necessary. And while it is often “easier” to just “lay down the law” it doesn’t encourage a vibrant relationship with your pre-teen or teen.
How should we set boundaries?
- Explain why the boundary is being set. Are you fighting over bed time? Explain that you want your child to be healthy, to be able to handle situations better, and that even you struggle to respond well when you don’t get enough sleep. Sometimes I even pull out the lack of sleep can increase suicidal behaviors in teenagers
- Explain your struggles regarding the boundary. When it comes to electronic devices we have discovered that it is best to have phones/tablets/etc not be in my children’s rooms at night. It is just too tempting to play games, text friends, etc. So I explain that I even struggle with turning off my electronics so I can get enough sleep. This helps my child understand that I have to set boundaries for myself.
- Explain your plan of attack. It is important to slowly give your children more responsibility while they are still under your roof. That way you can help give them tools to handle the responsibility before they are out on their own. This applies to setting bedtimes, electronics, etc. The boundaries will change as your child grows and it is ok to tell your child that you will slowly loosen boundaries. Sometimes it may help to include your child in deciding when to loosen certain boundaries as long as he understands that as the parent you will make the final decision.
- Be aware that your decisions may be unpopular. It is ok for your child to not like the boundary you set. It is ok for her to respectfully disagree with it. This will give you the opportunity to discuss the reasons for the boundary, consider if she has a reasonable concern, and in love draw the appropriate line.
- Be specific. Saying, “get home at a decent time,” is not the same as saying, “be home by 10.” It is important that you are specific about what the boundaries are and what the consequences are if he should violate the boundary.
- Use teaching moments to set boundaries. I often don’t realize I need a boundary in a specific setting until a line is crossed. Those are teachable moments. In that moment instead of handing out a consequence it best to discuss the behavior you expect in the future. Set a specific boundary, a consequence, and discuss the reason for the new boundary. This offers your teen a chance to make a wise choice in the future without feeling blindsided.
Learning to set and move boundaries is never easy, but it is an important part of raising responsible adults.
What tools have helped you set boundaries with your teens or pre-teens?
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