“Jesus help me,” I whispered through clenched teeth as irritation oozed from my lips.
I homeschool, and some days I just don’t have the right words to communicate math skills to my children. My inability to confidently and accurately teach maths skills stresses me out. I often plead with God to help me figure out a way to help my kids really comprehend a skill. While begging God for help is a great way to handle stress, I recently discovered my petitions were being misinterpreted by my children.
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Colossians 4:6 (ESV)
My pleas for help and frustration over my weaknesses were being internalized. My kids thought I was frustrated with them, that I thought they were not smart. They thought I was mad at them because they were struggling to figure out a concept.
And this is the difference between communicating and talking. Talking involves word choice, but communicating involves so much more.
How do we make sure we are communicating with our children and not just talking?
- Consider word choice. Think about your child’s vocabulary. Ask if he understands a word and either define it for him or find a synonym that is easier for him to understand.
- Ask questions. It is ok to ask your child to repeat your instructions. Ask what your kids are thinking about. Ask their opinions. When you don’t understand something your child is tying to tell you ask her questions so you comprehend her meaning. You may want to ask them what they think something you said means.
- Give your child permission to ask what you mean. Let your child ask in a respectful way what you meant by something you said. You may be surprised how your kids interpret your words. I have discovered my passionate tone of voice often sounds judgmental and harsh.
- Be aware of body language and tone of voice. Communicating includes body language and tone of voice. If I say “I love it,” while rolling my eyes and smirking I am communicating the opposite of my words. Kids pick up on irritation early. So be careful to define the source of frustration or wait to speak until the frustration will not taint the tone of your voice. Too often children assume they are the source of frustration and will begin to tell themselves they are stupid or clumsy or in the way. Being aware of your body language and tone of voice can help avoid this type of miscommunication.
- Ask for forgiveness. Words sometimes fly too quickly from our lips. Tones and body language go unchecked. And we find we are communicating more than we intended. It is ok to admit we lost it and ask for forgiveness. In fact it is ok to admit that we are struggling to be kind at the moment. Admitting our struggles and our mistakes helps our kids see how to handle their mistakes and struggles well. It communicates that we value our children and want to learn and grow with them.
Communicating is far more complicated than simply talking, but it is worth the effort to make sure you are understanding and being understood in return.
What ways have worked for you when communicating with your children?
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