Being a mom is filled with adjustments and seasons of letting go isn’t it? Because it is, we need to encourage and empower our kids in ways that they are developmentally ready for.
Okay most of us could agree that we desire to empower our kids to be the people God created them to be, right?
So…In order to take on this task of “raising adults” there are various parenting shifts and approaches that must take place.
Here are 4 developmentally appropriate ways to encourage and empower your kids.
1. Begin with the Controller style. State what needs to be done, when it is to be accomplished, and provide a little motivation. This is one-way communication. Parent to child. This approach is best used with little ones (toddler to preschool age NOT teens).
For example: Give instructions in a clear and concise manner: Aiden, it’s time to pick up your toys. I will help you. You put the cars into this bin and I will put the puzzle into the box. Then we can go to the park.
Clear direction. Direct supervision.
2. Shift to the Coach style (with a little Consultant approach mixed in) as your children mature. This is the training or teaching phase. Give directions regarding something the child is already capable of doing. This communication is two-way. The parent is available to help if needed. The child asks questions about the task. “Ashton, please set the table for dinner.” “Okay. Does the fork go on the right or left, Mom?” “Thanks for asking. Yes it has a special spot on the left.” This approach is great for younger elementary-aged kids.
Be encouraging and available.
3. The next step is a bit more subtle. It’s the Consultant and Coach styles combined. Model the behavior desired. Less direct communication is given. Rather than instruction, more interaction occurs and appropriate behavior and heart characteristics are demonstrated by example. This is a great approach for preteens. The young person has an opportunity to try some things out and see how the natural consequences play out. Responsibility and character are emphasized at this phase. “I noticed the cashier didn’t charge me for that greeting card. I am going to go back and get this fixed. My integrity is worth more than a three dollar card.”
Model and talk about the character traits you wish to have your child develop. Encourage the child when you see these traits demonstrated.
4. Move to the Consultant position. Be available but enter into the scene when invited. This stage is for mature preteens to young adults. At this phase the child fully owns his behavior and what results from it. He can perform a task on his own and is willing to take responsibility for the outcome. Here’s where the child actually gives back to the parent–all the parent has poured into him…this is the fruit of parenting. (Admittedly not all the fruit is sweet all the time. Learning and life are a process and a journey.) “I’m here if you need some help or advice.”
Demonstrate the attitude of patience, humility, and forgiveness as the child tackles life.
At each phase the child becomes more and more personally responsible. But he travels through each level of growth with the knowledge that he has parent whom he can count on and one who can count of him.
We want our kids to know, no matter what, we are here for them. They don’t have to go it alone, no matter how skilled, proficient, mature or even how old they are. And…most importantly, we want our kids to learn to rely and depend on their Heavenly King.
The path to maturity begins with the development of personal responsibility and accountability. The journey continues with the realization we can’t go it alone.
As my kids walk through life, I want to have a family where interdependence and dependence on the Lord is valued.
How about you?
If you liked this post here is a related post:
I Don’t Want Independent Kids: http://www.1corinthians13parenting.com/dont-want-independent-kids/
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love,
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
by,
Lori Wildenberg, is a mom of four, co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, and co-author of three parenting books. Lori is available for private parent coaching and to speak at your next event. Head over to www.loriwildenberg.com or www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com for more information.
If you would like to learn more about the 4 effective parenting styles, you will want to check out Raising Little Kids with Big Love (toddler-nine) or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love (preteen-young adult). You can find these books over at Amazon or at the store over at www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com
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