A few weeks ago, I went to a Christian women’s retreat. The topic was not “Abiding in the Word” or “How to Serve Others.” The topic was about sexual intimacy–and it was just what I needed. I am so very grateful to the church that put on this retreat, despite potential backlash or low participation. I mean, this is a tough, tough topic. One that often goes unnoticed and neglected in many Christian circles and relationships. Yet there are many men and women struggling in this area–that you know. You may be one of them.
Real Hindrances, Real Problem
There are a plethora of reasons why intimacy in a marriage may be lacking. It could be sexual abuse as a child or adult. Or rape. Or infidelity. Or hormones. Or dissatisfaction. The list goes on and on and every reason, no matter how large or how trivial, is a very real problem for the person who is dealing with it.
I have never hid the fact that I was sexually active before marriage. It is part of the testimony of God’s grace and deliverance in my life and how He saved me from the grips of sin and lust. The process by which He drew me to the church and to Himself was how I recognized my wrongdoings and repented of them. And when He changed my heart, it was so revolutionary and thorough that even when I sinned against God in that way afterward, I was deeply saddened and shaken. After that, by His grace, I was able abstain until I was married. However, I felt terrible shame from what I had done, and this caused a unbiblical response to sexual intimacy.
Another hindrance that I have experienced has been hormonal shifts from pregnancy. During these seasons, I have had times when my desire for sexual intimacy has been nonexistent. Don’t get me wrong; it is not that I have found my husband any less sexy or desirable in any way! He is as hot and handsome as he has ever been. It is purely the physiological changes that have occurred in me due to the hormonal changes of bringing forth life. Because of these issues and changes, as well as my longing to please God and my husband, I have to continually look toward God’s word for His solution to these real problems.
God’s Design for Sexual Intimacy
God has a plan for everything–even intimacy in marriage! He has designed sexual intimacy to bring a husband and a wife closer together. He has designed it as a gift for us married folk to richly enjoy! He has also designed it as a means to show oneness in marriage to others. He has designed it to create life! What a wonderful gift! If He has designed sex as a gift for a married man and woman to enjoy, why do we so often view it as a curse, or something to be ashamed or embarrassed about? One of my favorite quotes that the speaker shared from the conference was this:
“Christians have no right to be embarrassed when it comes to talking about sex and sexuality. An unhealthy reticence or embarrassment in dealing with these issues is a form of disrespect to God’s creation. Whatever God made is good, and every good thing God made has an intended purpose that ultimately reveals His own glory. When conservative Christians respond to sex with ambivalence or embarrassment, we slander the goodness of God and hide God’s glory which is intended to be revealed in the right use of creation’s gifts.”
-Al Mohler
One book that does a good job of theologically expressing the intention of sex and intimacy is John Piper’s book, Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, which is available in paperback, Kindle, and downloadable form here.
Applying God’s Truth
Piper and the co-writers of this book, reference many, many scriptures and explain them eloquently and extensively, leading you straight back to the Word of God. I am not a biblical counselor and this is definitely not my area of expertise. I don’t have any answers, other than those He has given me. However, I take heart in the fact that we don’t have to know all the answers. God has the answer to all our problems and has given them in His Word. The Bible is always right, always pure, and always sufficient. Seek Him in His Word and in prayer for any issues that you may have in this area. I have learned two things pertaining to my sexual intimacy struggles through the disciplines of prayer and reading God’s Word: that through God’s grace, He has equipped me to meet the needs of the husband he gave me, and that when I put my trust in Him, I am forgiven of every sin! Christ paid the price IN FULL for every one of those sins I’ve committed against God, and through him I am forgiven and carry the shame no more! Praise the Lord!
God has also given us other people to go to when we have questions. Maybe you can find a godly, biblically-sound older lady that you trust to speak with on this issue. It is very hard to open up and seek help and we must be very careful in whom we seek help from. However, one of the missions of the Titus 2 older woman is to teach younger women how to “love their husbands,” and they must not shy away from that command. If you have the tendency to do this, think about the fact that it can save marriages and much heartache if we just open up with one another about this delicate topic. Do so with discretion and sensitivity, but PLEASE do it!
Finally, there are many biblically sound books and sermons that are written on the topic, but BEWARE! It may not be wise to search online for such things. There are some who take this topic, even in the Christian culture, and make it brash and explicit in the effort to make it “relevant.” I believe we should steer clear of such things. Find a resource that speaks of the holy gift of sex in an honorable manner. There are many articles written at MarriageRoots.com, where there is a whole tab devoted to Sex and Intimacy. Shelia Wray Gregoire writes humorous and helpful blogs on the topic located in the “Sex” tab of her blog, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.
In His Love,
Tamika Guillebeaux
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