Cassie’s life reflected peaceful perfection. Three beautiful young kids, a stylish new home, all topped off with her handsome husband she adored.
They met and fell head-over-heels in love at the young age of eighteen, and now ten years later were joyfully living out the American dream.
Until, that is, venomous pictures popped up without warning early one morning. Images spilling from the screen, forgotten to be deleted from the computer’s history, reached out tearing into this sheltered young mother’s soul.
Her tranquil, in-control life was shattered. Waves of hopeless days spilled in.
I was drowning in emotion…felt shame… utterly alone…spent my days in a deep dark cloud of pain…the pictures brought the end of all I thought I knew about the love of my life…surrounded by the never-ending questions of who my husband really was…and why??? Why God? Why me? Crushed, ground up emotions, scared, alone… are my kids safe? Swirling confusion, mourning the death of the past, terrified of the future, what really happened the last ten years? Endless questions with shameful answers… do I want to know the details? How much more will I find and when will it pop out at me? The world is still turning and moving but I’m stuck and can’t move inside all this pain. Will I see daylight again? The truth is so dirty, too vast to grasp, I need out! Wrapped in this suffocating pain, self-loathing–how did I not see it? How could I not protect myself? How did my marriage end up here?
Like Cassie, so many of us are forced onto this painful path of betrayal and are desperate for answers and a solid place to stand.
When our husbands are snared in the trap of sexual sin, where do we go for answers? May I encourage you to:
- Spend hours and hours seeking God’s truth and comfort through His all powerful Word. Psalm 57:1-3 ESV, “Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me. God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!”
- Pray fervently that God will not waste any of your pain, pray He will use this situation for His own glory. As we see in the verse above, God uses the most painful, messy, ugly things in life to “fulfill His purpose for me.” We are also reminded,“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive”(Genesis 50:20 ESV). By faith hold on and grasp these truths, cling to God’s Word and trust His will.
- Let go of what you cannot control. This is his sin. Your husband owns it and will only find freedom in true repentance. Study 1 Thessalonians chapter 4. God expects our husbands to control their body and lust, and promises that He Himself will be our avenger when our husbands wrong us in this area. “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you” (1Thessalonians 4:3-7). “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life” (Galations 6:7-8 ESV). As much as this sin pierces through you, realize with pity how much this sin has hurt your husband. “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18 NASB).
- See your own sin for what it is. Anger, revenge, hatred, speaking evil are all just as sinful and destructive to your marriage as his porn. In stressful times like this, your own sin will come out of hiding like never before. Take this opportunity to see how gracious and loving God is to forgive you, and then experience how MUCH easier it becomes to forgive your husband. “But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life” (Titus 3:4-7).
Such an awareness of my sinfulness does not drag me down, but actually serves to lift me up by magnifying my appreciation of God’s forgiving grace in my life. And the more I appreciate the magnitude of God’s forgiveness of my sins, the more I love Him and delight to show Him love through heartfelt expressions of worship. -Milton Vincent*
- Find a Biblical counselor. Why a find a Biblical counselor instead of any old one? The LAST thing you need is to hear is one more opinion or the worlds ideas. God is the creator of marriage and the Bible alone has the truth and wisdom to save your family. Click here to find one in your area, and keep me posted on your progress.
- Finally, control your thoughts. Your husband fell into this sin by lack of control of his thought life. Don’t fall into the same trap. Make your mind obedient to Philippians 4:8; Whatever is true about my husband, whatever is honorable about my husband, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence or anything worthy of praise…let me ONLY think about these things.
Sweet mom, I pray you press IN to God’s Word during this time of deep stress and pain. We are here to pray for and encourage you!
In Christ,
*The Gospel Primer for Christians by Milton Vincent
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