When my grandmother Frances died this past summer, I stood at the front of the church to say a few words about her. The somber mood was momentarily broken as I said, “First, I want you all to know that I was my grandmother’s favorite.” Murmurs spread throughout the room at the thought of this, but from the family came looks of understanding and thankful relief from the grief that had recently taken hold of our hearts.
I went on to describe how my grandmother had told me for years that I was her favorite, did special things to show me that I was her favorite, and always—always—made me feel as if I was, in fact, her favorite. But, everyone in my family knows that this was something she whispered to each of us individually. Every single family member. My mother. My aunts. My brothers. My uncles. My cousins. At some point in time, we were all pulled to the side by my grandmother, looked upon with those sparkling brown eyes and told, “You’re my favorite.”
It was a gift, really. This way she had of making everyone she loved feel so special that we were convinced that we were her favorite. It wasn’t until she grew older that we began to realize that she said it to everyone she deeply cared for. And while that is a funny quirk about her that we love to look back on, it’s also something that I long to do for my own family.
To make each and every person feel so known, so loved, and so cherished, that they are convinced when I tell them they are my favorite.
As a mother of three, I’ve heard my share of the “unfairness” I’ve doled out at times. I’ve been told I baby the baby. That I favor the middle because I was the middle. And that I give special treatment to the oldest because she’s the oldest. A mom really can’t win when it comes to being fair and even in the treatment of her children, can she?
So, I’m taking my grandmothers approach instead. I’m playing favorites from here on out.
Make them feel known
There is nothing more assuring in life than to know that there is someone who understands you fully, and loves you anyway. No matter what. The feeling of being known is essential to feeling accepted by a parent.
Study your children. Study what they do and what they care about. Look at how they choose to spend their free time. Look at the things that make them happy, the things that make them sad. As they mature, they will change, but continue to stay plugged in, getting to know them at each point in their lives. They need to feel known.
Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do. Psalm 139: 1-3
Make them feel loved
There are two basic ways to express our love to those around us: through our words, and through our actions. As parents, it’s important that we cover both types of affection with our children. Tell your children you love them. Hearing it is a vital part of their well-being. And show them affection in ways that most speak to their heart. Do they like to be hugged? Snuggled with? Or, a fist bump? Show them affection in the way that most speaks to them.
We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. 1 John 4:16
Make them feel cherished
When you cherish something, you place a higher value on it than other things. When you cherish your children, you put them above other things in your life. You put their relationship at a higher value than other outside relationships in your life.
Your children are only in your household for a brief moment in their lives. You only have one chance to make them a priority over other things and show them that they are cherished. Examine your priorities. Yes, as mothers, we need a life outside of our children. But, don’t give away the precious years you have with them in exchange for excessive “me” time. Because a time will come—sooner than you think—that “me” time will overflow and you’ll begin to miss “them” time.
“What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. Luke 12:6-7
Of one thing, I am sure: my grandmother Frances knew how to make people feel deeply loved. Maybe it’s because she felt that same love from the Father. The One who knows us. Loves us. Cherishes us. Like no other. The gift of being His favorite is so incredible, once we realize He feels this way about us, we can’t fathom letting it go.
That is the kind of love each of our children deserves from us. To be fully known, deeply loved, and uniquely cherished. To be our favorites. Start playing favorites with your children now.
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