If you’re a parent, it’s only a matter of time before you ask your husband or your girlfriend, or your mailman the million dollar question: Why do our kids fight so much?
Why?
This million dollar question often rears its ugly head after visiting a friend whose children love each other so much they finish each other’s sentences. Her children seem so happy together, like Prozac-happy and you just don’t get it. You begin to ask yourself, Why does (Insert friend’s name here.) kids like each other? Why do her children share toys and talk to each other sweetly while my two act like alley cats who want to rip each other’s eyes out?
First, don’t be fooled. I’m sure your friend’s kids fight, too. Children argue and fight for all sorts of reasons. It’s been going on since the beginning of time. The Bible gives us lots of examples of the friction between brothers and sisters; Jacob and Esau, Leah and Rachel, and before you think your kids are the worst at getting along, let’s not forget about Cain and Abel. Siblings have been bickering since creation. Remember the wisdom of King Solomon—there’s nothing new under the sun.
What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Ecclesiastes 1:9 (NIV)
Don’t feel like a failure. It might be helpful to understand a few triggers in your children that could spark the next World War III in your home.
Competition. Each child wants mom and dad’s full attention. Children want as much love and affection and did I say attention—as you can give. When another little somebody comes on the scene they may step on enemy territory. Don’t forget, their mommy and daddy’s heart belongs to them. The fight is on, and they’ll show their parents that whatever their younger sibling can do they can do better.
Possessive. Every tiny little tot starts here. Their “things” become an extension of them. They want their ball, their doll, their pillow and if you even touch it you’re going to hear about it. As they get older they will grow out of this, but it may take a while. Teenagers are similar. Just try going into their room or borrow something without asking—God be with the sibling who disregards their boundaries.
Control. As sibling dynamics go, the older child is often the bossiest. They use this technique as a way to control their younger sibs. They are making a statement “This is my world. You’re just living in it.” Control is fear-based. Afraid of losing first place—they become competitive for mommy and daddy’s love. See Competetive above.
Recently, while cleaning up my kitchen, I was listening to Dr. Kevin Leman’s podcast, Have a New Kid by Friday, and he encouraged his audience about bickering kids, “These children will be in each other’s weddings one day. They do love each other.”
The next time your little angels are acting like drunken sailors on payday, don’t feel like a failure. Understand your kids are going to argue and that’s normal. Sometimes, the answer is as simple as a much-needed time-out…and nothing brings them closer than serving time together.
Excerpt from Joanne Kraft’s encouraging new book The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids . 
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