Moms of teenagers and adult children, oh how I would love to pull up a chair beside you, pour a cup of coffee and commiserate over this new season of parenting you’re in. It’s not an easy transition by any means but I’m hoping that as we sit and visit that you and I both will learn a little bit about how to hold on loosely in this season when you feel like giving up hope.
Chances are if you are a child of the 80’s, you’ll remember a song from the band 38 special called, “Hold On Loosely.” In the song, it’s chorus, although it’s about a couple’s relationship, it can absolutely apply when it comes to parenting teenagers and adult children and it goes like this;
Just hold on loosely
But don’t let go
If you cling too tightly
You’re gonna lose control
The teenage/adult years of parenting are by far some of the hardest in the parenting years that I’ve ever experienced. The “kids” are ready to be adults and do their own thing, make their own decisions, but for us, as moms, it is not easy to turn off that control we’ve had in their lives up to this point.
Think about it for a minute when they are:
- an infant/toddler, you feed them, bathe them, change them, rock them and everything else they need.
- a preschooler, you still help them get dressed, learn to use the potty like a big kid, and cut up their food.
- in elementary school, you drive them, pack their lunch, pick out clothes and coordinate their play dates.
- in middle school, you still drive them, give them money or pack their lunch, you may not pick out their clothes, but chances are you still wash them.
- in high school, well, everything changes…you might drive them, teach them to drive, wash their clothes, teach them to wash their own, help with lunch either by giving them money or helping them to pack it.
Why is it so hard for us as moms in this season of parenting?
Because we could control what was going on in their world when they were little. We were the safety net and chances are, we became pretty good at it. Yes, we know that ultimately we don’t have any control, that God does, but in our own little world we could keep things moving and that was good enough for us.
The rub comes in when our kids start to assert their independence, and we struggle with letting go. Oh, I know this one all too well, and if I’m being honest with you, I’ve not done very well with it either. So, take it from a mama who has and is learning the hard way, that it’s better to hold on loosely and don’t give up hope.
Here are a few ideas on how to hold on loosely during the teenager and adult child years:
- Give them some space to make mistakes – (2 Corinthians 5:11) whether it is with money, time, classes, laundry. Let them take on the responsibility without you being involved. Start small and let me show more responsibility.
- Show them respect in the way you speak to them – (Psalm 19:14) this must go both ways, if they want respect they have to give it.
- Pray for them – (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18) as they become who God created them to be pray for peace, protection, wisdom, discernment and grace for all of you as you go through this transition together.
- Listen more than you speak – (James 1:19) this is a hard one, I’m not gonna lie, but when you’re tempted to offer your opinion on something wait, breathe, and just listen. If they ask, then you can answer, but if they don’t…well then ask if they’d like to hear your thoughts.
- Move to a coach role – (Proverbs 22:6) you are still their mom, you always will be, but as they become their own person your role shifts to that of a coach, someone who’s there for them while they figure things out. They may ask for help and they may not, but you’re there on the sidelines ready to assist as needed.
Listen mom, you are doing a great job, really you are, don’t give up hope when it starts to get a little rocky with your teenager or adult child, it’s actually a very normal part of becoming an adult. These five ideas are not the be all end all, they are merely ideas to try. You’ve got to do what’s best for your family, just know that you aren’t alone on this journey.
If you’re a mom of a teenager or adult child, what are some tips you can share with the rest of us. Please leave your ideas in the comments below, thanks!
Photo Credit: © Dobledphoto | Dreamstime.com – Mother And Daughter Laughing When Looking At Phone Photo
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