Failure to Communicate: Turning Miscommunication into Communication With Your Kids

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 I asked Siri a question. I am not sure why since even my kids believe Siri hates me. She doesn’t seem to know what I am asking her and even when she says she understands me her answer doesn’t make sense. Here is an example:

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I wanted to chunk my phone across the room.

As a mom, sometimes I feel like this when I am talking to my children.

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I may say, “Go clean your room.” Yet somehow they hear, “Go play with your toys.” But often our miscommunications are of the deeper sort. I want to be available to help my kids, so I ask them “Do you need help with math?” What my kids sometimes hear is, “You can’t handle that on your own,” or “I don’t trust you to do your work by yourself.”

And suddenly a battle begins that neither myself, nor my child completely understand.

And as the mom it is my job to slow down, take a deep breath, and figure out where the communication break down happened.

I ask questions like:

  • Was my tone unkind when I asked the question?
  • Was my body language communicating frustration, irritation, etc?
  • Do I need to calmly ask my child what she heard me say?
  • Would I like to be talked to the way I talked to my child?
  • Would I like to be asked the question I asked my child?
  • Were my words necessary, helpful, encouraging, or useful for correction?

Unfortunately I often need to ask my kids to forgive an unkind tone or word. I may need to clarify what I meant by my words, my body language, or my tone of voice. Or it may be necessary to teach my kids how to interpret tones of voice and facial expressions, so that they don’t become either too sensitive to the social cues of others, or too indifferent.

As mothers it is important to effectively communicate with our children. In order to do so we may need to teach our kids how to interpret social cues, how to think through criticism, and even how to control their emotions.

What have you done to effectively communicate with your children?

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Stephanie Shott
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