Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3 (NKJV)
First time obedience is a goal parents desire for their children.
Parents desire it so children learn to respect authority, for their safety, and our sanity.
However I often wonder if the goal for first time obedience removes the human element from our children. Children are not robots. They have plans, desires, dreams, and wills of their own. Therefore children will get frustrated when a parent demands they immediately stop what they are doing to put on shoes, go to the bathroom, or even do a chore. Think about the last time you were engrossed in washing dishes or writing an important e-mail and your husband or boss interrupts you and insists you do something else right then. You may not throw a fit, but I bet you have to struggle to stay civil. (Or is that just me?)
Although children need to acknowledge their parents’ authority, it is also important for parents to recognize their children’s emotional responses to their directions.
How can parents help make first time obedience easier for kids?
- Set the expectation. Tell your children you expect them to obey first time. Let them know before they disobey the consequences of disobedience.
- Give warnings. It is important for kids to understand what is expected of them throughout the day. Some children have issues with transition time – the period of time between ending one activity and beginning another one. Therefore it is important to give a warning. I often give ten and five minute warnings. I tell my kids, “You have ten more minutes and then we will need to ________________.” This helps children switch gears more easily.
- Praise obedience. One way to encourage kids to do the right thing is to praise their efforts when they obey. Don’t just “expect” that behavior, encourage it by noticing their efforts and telling them how much you appreciate it.
- Cool down (both the parent and the child) before speaking about the consequences. Otherwise you and your child may end up in a discipline bidding war. “If you don’t pick up your shoes you won’t get to play X-box for a week. Alright, two weeks, a month…” In the end both of you lose because your child wouldn’t pick up his shoes. Instead cool down first, then discuss the consequences of your child’s actions.
- Speak with respectful authority. It is best to tell a child what he needs to do in a polite respectful voice for two reasons. First no one responds well to an irritated or aggravated tone. Secondly your child needs to know that they need to obey your instructions. Therefore say, “You need to pick up your shoes.” If you child does not do it you can say, “You know what you need to do.” This makes your instructions non-negotiable, but not demeaning or demanding.
Our goal of first time obedience is a goal and one that we must work on with our children.
What helps encourage your children to obey the first time?
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