Can you remember the days when you were able to dress your daughter in a cute little onesie covered in polka dots or a little seersucker sundresses with matching white underpants?
Once upon a time, we were mommies who got to play dress up with our little girl.
But then she grew up and older and morphed into a tweenager while you still wanted to hold her hand and guide every single choice.
Now clothing is no longer a matter of cuteness — it’s a declaration of independence.
It’s the source of stressful conversations and potentially explosive drama, especially for the mommas among us who would like to have some say in how their daughters look when they walk out of the house. Ahem. I’ve was one of them and have made my fair share of clothing conversation faux pas. I’ll never forget the time my oldest daughter came down the stairs to ask my opinion on a hand-me down shirt that she was convinced should be a sweater-dress. It barely graced her behind and she was innocently, wondering if it would be okay for church. Let’s just say my tongue transformed into a whip lashing of words, for which I didn’t see coming.
What ARE you thinking? Did you even look in the mirror? Have you heard nothing that I’ve taught you about modesty over all these years?
I totally blew it. Instead of responding with grace and gratitude, thankful for her willingness to seek out my opinion, I came down on her as though her choice was a dire sin and personal offense. I later realized that my reaction was a result of personalizing her choice, believing that I was failing as a mother instead of recognizing her good and necessary attempt at independence.
Unfortunately, I think most of us personalize the clothing issue more than we should, since we fear that our reputation is linked to our daughter’s appearance and behavior. But is it really?
Sadly, I do think we judge other women based on the behavior, decisions, and appearances of their children — daughters and sons. We judge and compare from a place of insecurity, while trying to figure out how to do our own motherhood job well. Wouldn’t it be wiser to seek the Lord for His wisdom and perspective when it comes to mothering decisions, instead of measuring ourselves against the perceived success or failure of others moms based on what we see in their children. Instead of focusing on the outer appearance — whether that’s clothing or behavior — we need to consider what’s going on inside the hearts and minds of our tweens and teens as we desire to shape their lives with an eternal perspective.
Could it be that we’ve set an eternal value on the matter of clothing and modesty with our daughters, while missing the opportunity to make an eternal investment into their identity?
Instead of seeing clothing as the enemy, it’s really an invitation to begin a conversation where we can come aside our daughters and ask them how they’re defining their worth and identity. As they share their hearts, we have the opportunity to answer their spoken and unspoken questions with Biblical truth, but first we have to get a grip on our emotions so that we can respond to the practical with an eternal perspective:
The Practical
Yes, we need to educate our daughters on matters of modesty and beauty, giving them a broader understanding of how certain styles will communicate a message. We have to seize these teaching moments to emphasize the way their clothing can hinder or enhance the way they are received by others, and help them discern what message they want to communicate.
The Eternal
We also need to respond to more than their appearance, looking beyond what they put on to discover what is going in their hearts. Are they feeling insecure and seeking attention? Are they trying to fit into a crowd, or get out of one? Are they exercising independence from us or are they rebelling against us? And if they are rebelling, have we done something to exasperate them or are they struggling with a crisis or deep emotional wound?
Imagine if we looked at the matter of clothing and modesty in a whole new light? Imagine if all the fights mothers and daughters had about clothing came to a screeching halt, and instead the topic of clothing (or fashion in general) became a vehicle for discussing matters of eternal consequence?
Imagine.
Will you begin this new trend today?
How have you handled the topic of clothing and fashion with your daughters?
Feel free to download the Modesty discussion guide and Redefining Beauty resources available at More to Be for ideas on how to connect with your daughters on matters of fashion and appearance.
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