5 Ways to Know If You’re Giving Your Children too Much or Not Enough Attention & 5 Ways to HELP!

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“And Isaac loved Esau because he ate of his game, but Rebekah loved Jacob.” Genesis 25:28 (NKJV)

There we were in the middle of aisle 5 of the grocery store when my little guy decided to make a scene. He was 4, impatient, and he wanted my attention RIGHT THEN!

MOMMY! MOOMMMMMY! MOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!! I neeeeeeed you!

I rushed to find out what my frantic little four year old wanted when I quickly discovered that what he was pitching such a noisy fit over was a box of cookies. .

When I told him no, the noise escalated at warp speed and all I wanted to do was grab that boy and get out of the store ASAP.

Maybe you’ve been there before – not wanting your children to feel like you’re ignoring them but also not wanting them to think your world somehow revolves around theirs.

I know we each have the best kids in the whole-wide world, but as sweet as they are, it doesn’t take long for us moms to realize that those little munchkins are masters of manipulation.

f3e93c8b-e71f-4012-b891-7b66a7269f97_zpsb40e941eIn The Making of a Mom, I devoted a whole chapter to the attention factor because it’s such a big issue in just about every home on the planet.

It’s really hard to find the balance somewhere between between having a child-centered home and having an attention starved child. I mean, how’s a mom supposed to know how much attention to give her child when each one is different and there are no cookie cutter answers?

Most of us border on giving our kids way too much attention and feeding their frenzy for the “It’s all about me” world they want you to live in, or starving them for the attention they need because we are too distracted or disengaged to notice.

I don’t know where you might find yourself and where your children are on the attention scale, but their need for attention is sort of like Goldilocks’ perfect bowl of porridge… Not too hot! Not too cold! But JUST RIGHT!

Okay, so won’t get it right every time, but I want to share 5 facts that can help you know whether you’re giving your kids too much or not enough attention. (NOTE: Each behavior listed does not mean your child is absolutely attention-starved or that you have a child-centered home. However, they are behaviors to look for that would indicate these things to be a very REAL possibility.)

How’s a mom supposed to know how much attention to give her child when each one is different?

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You know your children are attention-starved if:

  1. They create a disturbance to get your attention
  2. They cry, pout or whine a lot
  3. They withdrawal from you and/or from others
  4. They tell you that you are neglecting them
  5. They show signs of depression

You know if you have a child-centered home if:

  1. You children throw a temper tantrum to get their way
  2. Your children yell at you, scream when you tell then no, or they tell you they hate you
  3. Your children expect to get their way and they become selfish, rude and argumentative 
  4. You find yourself cowering to your children’s demands
  5. Your child tries to tell you what to do

So, what do you think mom? Are your children starved for attention or do they demand it? And what do you do in either case?

I don’t want to leave you with the knowledge of where you are on the attention scale without offering you some helpful tips about how to tilt that thing in the right direction so you can have more balance in with your children when it comes to giving them the right amount of attention.

Here are 5 things things you can do if your children are attention-starved:

  1. Start with yourself. Consider what has been captivating your attention and begin realigning your priorities.
  2. Use bedtime to bond with each child so you can spend some one-on-one time with each. Stagger the bedtimes if you have one or more child.
  3. Discover their love languages and love them in their language.
  4. Have a Mom & Son or Mom & Daughter Day Out with each child individually. (Create a calendar for them and make it fun!)
  5. Pray with them and for them. (It’s amazing what happens in their hearts when they hear you pray for them!)

Here are 5 things things you can do if you have created a child-centered home:

  1. Set rational boundaries and stick to your stuff. You’re the mom! Don’t forget that.
  2. Don’t lose your temper. Again…you’re the mom. Expect first time obedience.
  3. Let your children fail. They need to learn consequences, how to deal with struggles and adversity. Help them through it without helping them out of it.
  4. Point out patience, kindness and self-control in others so that your children can see what it looks like and then commend them when the display those types of behaviors.
  5. Don’t go overboard with the rules…but be consistent with the ones you make. Consistency really is key.

It’s hard to navigate how much attention each child needs, but if you seek to discover what their personal needs are and meet them where they are – and help them become all God created them to be… you will be one happy momma!

WHAT ABOUT YOU? DO YOUR STRUGGLE WITH A CHILD WHO IS ATTENTION-STARVED OR DEMANDS ALL YOUR ATTENTION? 

PS… a little look at Isaac and Rebecca’s tendency to favor one child over  another gives us an all-in-one glimpse of what happens when children feel like one parent’s world revolves around them and at the same time feels as though they are attention-starved when it comes to the other parent. (Genesis 25- 27)

 

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Stephanie Shott
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