I often get emails from women who struggle in their mom journey because their mom was hard, cold, neglectful, abusive, had emotional or hormonal issues, or maybe even a mental illness.
Not every woman was blessed with a good, godly mom. Many grew up in abusive homes and still struggle with scars on their hearts where deep wounds have still not healed.
But no matter what you’ve been through or how hard your childhood was, your mom journey doesn’t have to be defined by your past. You can be a good mom even if your mom wasn’t. You can circumvent the cycle and break the chains that you may think have bound you to your past.
Remember, if you know Christ, He has given you the power to fulfill His will for your life (Phil 2:13), to live godly (2 Peter 1:3) and to be defined by Him (2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 2:10, Romans 8:37) and not your past.
Here’s 5 ways you can be a good mom even if your mom wasn’t…
1. Forgive your mom (and/or dad) ~ Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. So many moms have destroyed their relationship with their own children because they couldn’t forgive their own moms for mistreating them.
Some moms have been abusive in their past because of what they went through as children or because of a mental illness, depression, or raging hormones that were never treated. It’s not an excuse, but it may be a reason. Most of the time, when we are children, we internalize the way we are treated and think it is because of us.
The reality is, the way our parents treat us has little to do with us and much to do with themselves and they way they were treated or because of what they were going through.
Regardless of what has happened to you or the reason you may have been mistreated as a child, forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. If you don’t forgive your mom or your dad, you will continue to be held captive to their abuse. It may take another form, but rather than being victorious over it, you can become debilitated by it.
Trust me! I know! After experiencing a decade of abuse as a child from 2 different people in my family (not my mom or dad), I know how important forgiveness is.
2. Know your weaknesses ~ This is important for any mom, but especially if you’ve been neglected, mistreated or abused as a child. If you know you are prone to anger, it will not only help you know what to look out for but it will also help you to understand your trigger points and create an alternative strategy for dealing with things in a way that honors God and shows how much you love your kids.
Example: If you know you get angry easily, you can start journaling what things trigger your anger and then begin minimizing the times when those things occur and also begin to write out various alternative ways to deal with them. If you go ballistic when your children nag you, then set guidelines with your children that will prevent that from occurring. Let them know they can ask you for something once and you will consider it and discuss it with them, but if they ask a second time (and you’ve already said ‘no’) then the answer will be an automatic no and if they ask again, they will have other consequences because you already answered that question. Children need boundaries and if you have an issue with anger, you need to be sure to lovingly hold them to the boundaries you set.
3. Don’t try to go it alone ~ Moms need each other. We are definitely better together… and if you struggle with certain areas of your mom journey because your mom (or dad) left scars on your heart, then you need someone in your life who will not only be there to listen, but someone you will listen to. A mentor mom who might have walked in your shoes would be a great help to you in your own journey as a mom.
When you are struggling with motherhood, it’s hard to let yourself be vulnerable and instead of talking about it, most moms become more isolated. That’s when you need someone more than ever.
Example: If you know you are prone to depression, it’s important to surround yourself with other mothers. Some who are older and some who are your age so that you can be encouraged by other moms. This is hard, but you have to get outside of yourself and put yourself out there in order to be healthy as a mom. It’s one of the most important things you can do! I really want to encourage you to join a M.O.M. Group in your community or to connect with a local church and contact us so we can help them start a M.O.M. Group.
4. Be an intentional mom ~ The more intentional you become as a mom, the easier it will be to overcome the pain of your past and not allow what you’ve been through to define who you are as a mom. When you focus on intentionally loving your children well and developing character in their hearts and making beautiful family memories for your children, you will be a mom who sets the stage for her home to become a haven for her kids. The more you are determined to be intentional, the more you will be a mom who parents on purpose.
5. Depend on and trust God ~ You’re going to blow it. All moms do. Even the best of moms. That’s because we are all human and we all need the Lord. You can’t be a good mom on your own. Neither can I.
In The Making of a Mom, I share about the beautiful dichotomy that is true for every Christian mom. We are not enough, but we know the One who is… and He makes us enough. When we depend on Him and trust Him in our parenting, He comes in like a flood and gives us the wisdom, patience and love we need to be the moms we long to be.
You may not have had a good mom. Maybe you were neglected, abandoned, used or abused. But God has placed those tiny treasures in your home and has given you all you need to be the mom He is calling you to be. So, press into Him. Depend on Him, be intentional, don’t go it alone, know your weaknesses, and forgive your mom or dad for the kind of parent they were… or you’ll never be the kind of parent you long to be.
DID YOUR MOM LEAVE A GOOD EXAMPLE? WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD A PAINFUL ONE? DID ANYTHING IN THIS POST HELP YOU?
And don’t forget to join the MOM conversation with us on Facebook!
- Ch…ch…ch…CHANGES Are Coming in 2017 for TMI - December 27, 2016
- What New Thing Are You Ready to See God Do in Your Life in 2017? - December 26, 2016
- Heaviness and Newness - December 23, 2016
