Time.
Like summer, for instance. Where did it go? How is it already time to buy the new shoes, meet our teachers, and begin the busy days of fall?
It amazes me that at the beginning of the summer, my girls’ hair was just below their shoulders and now it is flowing down their backs, desperate for a trim. And my baby boy, he’s already outgrown his six month clothes, some barely worn. Wasn’t he just born? I blink, and February is now August. Time is passing, quicker and quicker.
Sometimes I panic. New routines, tuition payments, schedules – they stress me out. I wonder when I’m going to have time to get everything done, be the mom, the wife, the friend, the daughter. I’m busy. So, so busy.
I’ve just turned thirty, my husband just a year behind. It was a great birthday, not nearly the big pill to swallow as I had imagined, but it has marked the end of one era and the beginning of another. No longer am I fresh out of college, living in a big city with time ahead of me for kids and family. I smile, thankful to have had those dreams fulfilled.
Yet, with all that I’m thankful for and all that is going on around me, time still shakes my core. Maybe it’s because I know now how quickly age happens to youth. How one day, I woke up with a gray hair and dark spots on my hands. Or, as hard as I work out, my stomach still has a little hump in it from my two c-sections.
But, what really rattles me the most about time is this haunting question: Am I spending my time well – while I have it – here on Earth?
There is this urgency, you know, to accomplish and fulfill dreams and goals and ambitions. However, there is also this pull, this slow, downward pull to kneel hard with my face pressed against the floor and admit to my God that He is my everything. My soul yearns for more of him, to settle in his presence and not worry about time moving all around me.
I’m learning that time with God will reveal parts of myself that are unsettling. So much so that I want to scream and curse and just be rid of him. I think that’s the devil and my flesh resisting this commission that he gave me to love him above all else. Loving God is demanding and it takes time. But I believe that after the truth is revealed, he shifts my spirit to a place centered on hope.
Since I don’t know how long I have here on this planet, I want to hope that I’m spending my time well. That I’m not always looking to the next season, anxious and tired – instead I’m resting in today, which for me involves cleaning up after messy four year old girls and blowing kisses on my baby boy’s belly.
There are things that I want, things that I don’t think will ever go away. But I don’t want to always be wishing for more time. The facts of my schedule are clear and I don’t see it changing any time soon. Sometimes, time runs out. When time goes by too fast, we can either run and never catch it or stand in the road and watch its’ taillights disappear. We have to be okay with letting time go.
Babies will turn one, preschoolers will start kindergarten and eighteen year olds will leave for college. Daughters will get married and sons will propose. Our parents will age, sickness will strike. Whenever our hearts hurt for time, God is there, assuring us that this too shall pass.
Our time here is precious and must not be wasted. Because when our time is up, we will be judged on how we spent it. May we spend our time here well – loving God, loving others, and being obedient to how we were uniquely made to serve him.
Till next time, let your light shine!
Blessings, Christen
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