I’ll never forget the day my then 14-year old (now 16) daughter argued, “Well, I’m not you, Mom. I haven’t been abused like you were, but my pain still hurts. And I hate admitting that to you.”
I’m not gonna lie, I learned something that day. But even now with a 19-year old son and 16- & 14-year old daughters, I’m still tempted to revert back to showing them how much better they have it than I did (or many others do).
And you know what?
Dismissing, downplaying, diminishing…dissing my teen’s troubles, though understandable at times, is the wrong approach to teaching them gratitude and perseverance.
I’ve learned they’d be better off if I ask them questions, help them think in the right direction, listen more than I speak and tell them that I’m praying for God to give them all they need while they struggle. But often it’s easier to try to fix it or control it, to preach, to exasperate and even manipulate.
Do you see a person wise in their own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for them. Prov 26:12
This proverb applies to parents too, though I’d much rather quote it to one of my teens when they are rolling their eyes. But seriously, the reason that I sometimes downplay their “drama” is a bigger heart issue than I’d like to admit. It’s not always that I have more wisdom and can see down the road for them. It’s also that, more often than not, I simply don’t want to deal with it. I have “big people” problems, aka real problems. You can see the posture and hear the tone: “Ain’t nobody got time for this!”
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Gal 6:2
So the core of the problem is a lack of humility toward them & a lack of compassion for them, at least for me. God’s Word doesn’t specify that these qualities only apply to friends and other teens and adults. They apply to our kids too. As we pray to exude humility and compassion with our families, God will be faithful to bring it to pass, one step at a time.
I’m still learning the balance. It’s possible to go to the other extreme and get too wrapped up in our kids’ burdens to the point of enablement and dysfunction. The goal is to lead them to recognize negative thinking patterns, welcome wisdom and lean on Christ to strengthen and equip them. I wish there were a formula for this. But God knows we as parents need to learn to lean more too, even if that comes through teaching our kids the same thing.
I can’t even wrap my brain around that!
What do you think? Has your compassion for your teenager’s feelings and troubles gone cold? Do you want to roll your eyes at them more than they do at you? How have you found a way to show compassion to them and bear their burdens without becoming an enabler to excess drama?
I’d love to hear your thoughts…
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