I zip him up in his footed pajamas, the one that has the little smiling dinosaurs all on it. The house is quiet, not yet filled with our girls’ bedtime stories told by my husband. I hold my baby close to my chest in the silence of the dusk, soaking in his infancy. This was the moment I had been yearning for since I said goodbye to him nearly eight hours earlier.
No one can really prepare a mother for the day she goes back to work. For weeks, the day had been stuffed in the back of my mind. My maternity leave had been so busy with other activities that I figured it wasn’t worth dwelling on. But as the end drew near, the anticipation of leaving my baby with someone else began to take its toil. I was a hormonal wreck, crashing against a wall of anxiety. It didn’t matter that his caregivers were licensed professionals. Even with his place of daycare being in the same building as the one I worked, that didn’t make it any easier. I had to pass him into the arms of someone else and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
The daycare worker with the kind eyes said he had slept most of the morning and drank half of his bottle. Once he got to his grandmother’s house, he had enjoyed the sounds of his older sisters in the afternoon, while laying on the floor observing the motion of the ceiling fan. He had a great first day and was perfectly content in his grandfather’s arms when I picked him up at five. But the feeling of longing that had swirled inside of me like that ceiling fan all day? It didn’t subside until he was in my arms, with those dinosaurs smiling back at me.
I had always thought that since I loved my job, going back to work wouldn’t be that bad. I had friends who hated their jobs and were even more miserable once they went back from maternity leave. But what I’ve learned is this: the emotion of going back to work after maternity leave has nothing to do with your job and everything to do with your baby.
I’m connected to my child as his mother. When my boy was just a peanut inside of me, he had me on my knees in the bathroom. As he grew in my womb, he caused my belly to contort into weird shapes, especially after drinking a Coke. Then, when I finally got to meet him, his cry made me cry. God had given me a healthy baby boy and for the first ten weeks of his life, he was my best companion. We bonded over our daily routines of nursing, going on pretty spring walks, and grocery shopping. Remarkably, this child of mine had become a rock of well-being in my life.
I can’t help but ache with longing to be near him. Earlier this week, I thought I was over-reacting but now I’d rather define this aching inside of me as grief. Mothers mourn for their children in many ways. From empty nesters to moms who know they are done having children, we all go through times of mourning. This grief – it’s not an over-reaction – it is a reaction to time that has gone by. My maternity leave is over and it is okay for me to be sad about that. There is a time to mourn and a time to move on.
The thing that I’m learning about being a mother is that time is always in motion. My third child is just a baby but soon he will be a feisty two year old wearing cowboy boots and learning to potty on my plants. Before I know it, he will be a teenager dressed in his cap and gown, ready to pack up his room and head to college. Time is fleeting and that is why it must be cherished.
While I mourn the loss of time spent with him at home, I must continue to take steps toward the future. Steps of hope where I believe that what I am doing is best for both he and I. Pressing on is brave. Being a working mom is sacrificial and satisfying. Time spent both working and mothering must be savored or it is just time lost that makes us sour.
A mother’s love is the fiercest love on this planet. We wipe away boogers and clean dirty diapers. We remind our kids to look both ways and to be kind to others. We pack lunches, buy teacher gifts, and save seats at graduation. And sometimes, we have to say goodbye to our babies. We ache because we love.
For now, I’m going to savor this time holding my baby in his dinosaur pajamas. And when he outgrows these, I’ll soak up the next moment, the next, and the next. Because even though I must tell him goodbye each morning, I know that soon I will say hello.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? HOW HAVE YOU DEALT WITH GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER YOUR BABY IS BORN?
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REGISTER NOW for the
2014 M.O.M. Conference ~ BETTER TOGETHER
July 31st – August 2nd,
Jacksonville, Florida at Trinity Baptist Church
Registration Information, Location, List of Breakout Sessions, Descriptions of Workshops, Conference Speaking Team, Better Together Conference Flyer, Better Together Bulletin Insert (Full Color), Better Together Bulletin Insert (Black & White), Better Together Conference Cards (Postcard Size)
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