- I want juice!
- Mommy please, please, please can I have juice…? (After you’ve said no for the 10th time)
- I have to have juice or I can’t get up! (After throwing themselves in the aisle of the grocery store)
- You HAVE to get me juice.
- I don’t want water, I want JUICE!
- I don’t want that kind of juice!
- I don’t want juice in that glass.
- I need more juice.
- I won’t stop crying till you get me juice.
- You’re not a nice mommy if you don’t get me juice.
You’re chuckling because you’ve resonated with these “demands” and manipulative tactics of all children, and grandchildren. It’s easy to see where it first starts . . . a toddler holds out his or her sippy cup and says, “Juice.” We’re thrilled they can say juice. They’re so darn cute, we stop whatever we’re doing and, of course, give them juice. And so, the demand and supply relationship between child and parent begins.
The child is thinking, Wow, that’s easy. All I have to do is tell the adult what I want, how I want it, when I want it, where I want it and . . . I get it. As the child grows older, his or her demands become more forceful and persistent. The parent loses ground in denying the command/demand scenario without a fight.
Believe me, it’s not fun watching a child who has got her own way for thirteen years, engaged in a verbal battle with a beat-down parent.
The other tactic a child learns early on is how to wear down a parent by continuing to ask after a parent has said, no. They may add crying, throwing a fit, slamming doors, and begging . . . until the exhausted parent acquiesces.
I see these interactions in our family and I too have fallen into the trap. We give them what they want just to get a little peace and quiet . . ., which only lasts until they want something else.
A child can usually outlast a parent. The little kiddos are conditioned to get what they want, and we’ve been conditioned to give it to them. Albeit begrudgingly—we still comply.
Are You Asking or Telling?
My daughter and son-in-law learned an effective technique for responding to a demanding child. And yes, saying “I want juice” is a demand. It’s telling the parent what they want, instead of asking for it. They explained to their three kids the difference between telling what they want versus asking for what they want.
When the kids told the parents what they wanted, the parents responded in a kind way with no lectures, “Are you asking or telling?” At first, that stopped the kids in their tracks because they had to think about what they had just “told” their parents. But once they caught on, they rethought their demand, and asked with a please.
Question Asked/Answered
But what if the answer is no, even though they’ve asked? Parents usually resort to trying to explain why: “It’s too close to dinner.” “You’ve had too much juice today.” “We’re almost out of juice.” “Too much juice isn’t good for you.” Unimpressed, the child continues repeating their request, or comes back later asking, “Can I p l e a s e have some juice?” The parent starts to get angry and the child keeps asking anyway, knowing there’s a point where the frustrated parent is going to give in. A lose/lose battle that we’ve all had with our children.
I came across the “Question Asked/ Answered” technique and suggested it to my daughter. She says it’s working! Believe me, my three grandkids can wear you down.
Again, the parents explained that when the kids asked a question and mommy or daddy answered, that was the end of the discussion. If they asked a second time, they would hear the same answer. But if they kept asking, the parents’ response would now be, “Question asked/answered.” No more trying to explain the “whys.” No more negotiating or wining because the answer is always going to be the same, “Question asked/answered.”
No matter how persistent they are, stay consistent. It works—even with the neighborhood kids! My 5-year-old granddaughter and her BFF wanted to spend the night together. They asked mommy and mommy said, “Not tonight.” The BFF kept begging and my granddaughter told her it won’t do any good, “Question asked/answered.”
I would love to hear how these parenting tips work for you. We’re loving them!
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