As I picked up the salad dressing and began to shake it up, I was reminded of how blended families are much like salad dressing.
Strange analogy, I know, but some blended families are much like oil and vinegar. They only begin to blend together after a lot of shaking up and a lot of work, and then after things settle down, they begin to separate and their differences become very clear again.
Others are like Creamy Italian dressing. Once they have been poured into the same jar and stirred around a bit, they remain blended well…and instead of two separate units, they become one.
We were a little bit of both. At times, we felt much like vinegar and oil, but after a lot of work, we ended up much more like Creamy Italian.
One of the primary differences is that Creamy Italian dressings has a few different ingredients. It still adds oil, but it’s oil in the form of Mayonnaise, and Mayonnaise is a combination of ingredients that have been whisked together in a blender so much that separation isn’t an option, especially since an egg is one of those ingredients and it’s like the glue that holds it all together.
If you’re in a blended family, you know it’s not always easy. Family life rarely is.
So, today, I want to share with you 5 ways YOU can cultivate a good blend in your blended family…5 ways your two families can be more like Creamy Italian dressing instead of like vinegar and oil.
1. Give each other room to grow and room to fail ~ This is new for all involved and it isn’t easy no matter what the ages of the children or how involved the other parent is. Don’t enter into a blended family expecting perfection from each other. Sometimes the step-parent doesn’t parent the same way you do. That’s okay. Men and women parent differently in every family. Allow them time to see how you parent your children and pay attention to how they parent theirs…help each other grow as parents.
2. Give your children time to adjust and don’t expect them to instantly accept all that is going on ~ They have strong attachments to the absent parent regardless of how good or bad of a parent they may be and regardless of what may have happened between you two to cause a divorce. Your kids will almost always see the absent parent through rose colored glasses and that’s okay. Unless the other parent is abusive or dangerous in some way, they need to always be able to look up to both of their parents, even if you no longer do.
3. Don’t talk badly about the other parent in front of any of the children ~ When there are differences in parenting styles within your blended family, it’s important that you have that conversation behind closed doors. Let your parenting conversations be kept between the parents. If you are struggling with a parenting issue with the absent parent, deal with that between the two of you, as well, and only involve the step-parent when needed and when your relationships are all at a point where you can put the needs of the children before your own feelings. The strain between parents is often a tough one to walk through, but find some type of common ground and then parent as a team, rather than rivals.
4. Plan fun family activities together ~ Let the kids in on the planning by giving them the opportunity to share some things they like to do. You can choose to all take turns picking the event for the week so you know you will be doing something they enjoy. And laughter is SO important for a healthy family that has just gone through so many changes. It has a way of bonding people like nothing else can. During a time of transition, when emotions are high and hearts may be hurting, laughter can help ease the tension in your home. Be sure to plan a day at the beach, bowling, skating, playing board games at home, paintball, putt-putt, movie night at the house…the list goes on and on. But be sure to laugh together as often as you can.
5. Seek God’s face for your family individually and together ~ Like an egg is the glue that holds the mayonnaise together, your faith in God will be the glue that holds your family together. Pray with your spouse about your family, pray with your children about your family. Be honest before your children and before God and confess that you know this is hard, but that you want what is best for your kids with the situation you are all in now. That you understand their hearts may be hurting and you want to know how to thrive and not just survive in your new blended family. Teach your kids that you are seeking God’s face for your family and how they too can pray for your family.
Family life isn’t easy and blended family life can be doubly difficult! I know it was for us at times.
But after you hit the right blend and include the right ingredients, your family will be much more like Creamy Italian dressing than vinegar and oil.
Oh…and one thing I didn’t add to the list, but is kind of a given…and that is LOVE each other well. LOVE is defined as doing what is best for the one you say you love. Love is selfless, kind, gentle, gracious, long-suffering, patient, and never gives up!
ARE YOU IN A BLENDED FAMILY? WHAT AREAS DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH? WHAT WOULD YOU ADD TO THE 5?
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2014 M.O.M. Conference ~ BETTER TOGETHER
July 31st – August 2nd,
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