Shocking statistic: 1 in 8 women diagnosed with breast cancer. So chances are you either know, or are, a mom with breast cancer. I am a three-time survivor, a mom, and a grandma, and I know how a diagnosis of any kind of illness impacts the entire family. Since October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I wanted to focus on how we can help the moms we know with breast cancer, and to those of you who are those moms, how to graciously receive the help you so desperately need.
Don’t Just Offer to Help—Do Something Tangible
Most of us find it difficult to receive help; we are hesitant to impose on others. When asked the generic question, “How can I help you?” our common response is, “I’m fine, but thank you for asking.” Truthfully, we need everything, but we don’t know if the person is offering to mop our floors or pick up our kids from school—both of which we need, but are afraid to ask.
Another well-meaning comment I received was, “Just call me if you need anything.” Now how many women are going to pick up the phone and ask for help, especially if they are not feeling well? Again, we don’t know what the person is willing to do for us, and we don’t want to be a burden.
So instead of offering to help—just jump in and do something. If you know your friend well, you know where she needs help; and even if you don’t know her well, you know where all women need help. If she is in the midst of cancer treatment, she is going to need assistance with every area of her life. Here are some practical ideas:
- Schedule her friends, family, and church to bring meals. Use your lunch break to take her lunch and eat with her.
- Offer to drive her to doctor’s appointments or treatments and take notes for her.
- Shuttle her kids to and from school or find someone who can.
- Sit with her during chemo treatments or accompany her to radiation. Talk, read a book to her, or just hold her hand.
- Take her children on a play date or to your house.
- Do her laundry.
- Do her grocery shopping. If she is too sick to dictate a list, take an inventory of her refrigerator and cupboards and make your own list.
- Answer her email.
- Bring her a gift that makes her feel feminine.
- If she feels like talking, sit and chat with her. When she doesn’t feel like talking, just be a presence in her home so she doesn’t feel alone.
- Babysit her kids so she and her husband can have some private time.
- Clean her house or pay someone to do it.
- Go with her to pick out a wig or prosthesis.
- Pick up prescriptions.
- Run errands.
- Don’t stop calling or texting, even if she doesn’t respond. She may be too ill or not have the energy, but she does appreciate knowing that you care.
The Family Needs Help Too
The focus and attention is mainly on mom who is sick, but Daddy is in shock and the kids are scared. Whatever help you offer to mom is going to help daddy too while he tries to fill in the gaps, and he will thank you for your help as much as she does.
Mommy is receiving balloons and get-well cards, so send cards and gifts to her kids too. They’re sad, hurting, and confused and need a diversion and some joy in their lives, no matter what the age. Offer to give the kids rides to school and sports events and help them with their homework. Whatever your own kids are doing, include her kids.
A Word to the Mom with Breast Cancer
Listen carefully when the doctors explain your limitations, possible reactions, complications, restrictions on activity, and so on. Don’t panic. You have people you can call on. This is not the time to play the tough role. You need to do what the doctor says and focus on getting well. Rest is a big part of the body’s healing process. However, problems arise when we do not know how to receive help, and others don’t know how to offer it. I found myself staring blankly when people said things like, “Just call me if you need anything.” “Where do you need help?” “What can I do?” My mind raced through a never-ending list. I wanted to say, “I need everything!” but usually no response came out. I didn’t know what they were willing to do. Did they mean clean my house? Give me a ride? Fix a meal? I didn’t want to put them on the spot, and I wasn’t sure how much of themselves they were expecting to give.
To avoid those awkward moments when you don’t know how to respond to an offer of assistance, make a list of all the areas where you need help. When someone asks where they can help say something like, “Oh, thank you so much for your kind offer. I really do need help in these areas. Is there one that might fit your schedule?” Then hand them your list. This takes the pressure off you and gives them a chance to gracefully say where they are comfortable helping. Then take their help! No one expects you to be superwoman or thinks less of you for needing help. It’s is a gift to allow people to serve.
One woman said, “Through this experience, God taught me that letting others serve me can be as much an act of faith as reaching out to others in need.”
More than one woman has said she frantically had to think of things for her friends to do because they all wanted to help. They were actually offended if she couldn’t think of anything. For many of your friends and family, helping you is their way of showing how much they love you and want to be a part of your healing and recovery. Receive it gracefully, knowing that it does not make you any less a homemaker or wife or mother. When you are well, return the favors you received by being there for someone needing assistance. You can be sure God will put those people in your path. However, for right now, that needy person is you.
Be sure to tuck your “Here’s Where I Need Help” list in your purse to have handy when someone says, “How can I help you?”
*Article includes excerpts from Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer: A Companion Guide for Women on the Breast Cancer Journey
Janet Thompson is a three-time breast cancer survivor, TMI Mentor Mom, speaker, and the author of 17 books including, Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer: A Companion Guide for Women on the Breast Cancer Journey.
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