When our children were young, Daniel and I instilled in them a fear of driving. We lived in southern California, so this was an easy task. We simply pointed out the drivers who ran through red lights and those who cut in front of us without using turn signals. We discussed fender-benders at the side of the road, analyzing the physics of high speed impact. We told horror stories of our own tickets and accidents.
Although initially thrilled when 16 came and went with neither child showing any interest in driving, we became increasingly concerned as 18 and then 20 passed with similar disinterest. Clearly, we’d over-”succeeded”!
I wish we’d taken a far more proactive approach in preparing our children to become responsible drivers. Here are five recommendations that come from hindsight:
1. Recognize driving as an important step in independence and maturity.
One unintended side-effect of scaring our kids away from driving has been their prolonged dependence on me for all their transportation. Since I’m the one who didn’t want them driving, I felt obligated to grab my keys and play chauffeur whenever a “need” arose.
If they’d gotten learner’s permits and take driver’s training while in high school, they could have been relief drivers on long trips. And they would have had empathy for the attention and energy that driving requires.
2. Realize that risk is an integral part of freedom and growth.
During my kids’ teen years, I celebrated the fact that we would never receive a late-night, “Mom, I totaled the car!” call. But now I realize that I didn’t permanently prevent such a call; I just postponed it as a possibility.
Annemarie started practicing for her driving test last month. As I bit my tongue and sat on my hands, I reminded myself that the only way for her to learn was by trying and making mistakes. She had to stop expecting me to tell her every little move to make, and I had to quit trying to “save” myself every time she swerved. I had to let go of control (…or should I say the illusion of control!)
3. Initiate on-going “When you’re a driver” conversations.
Instead of programming our kids to fear driving, I wish we’d cast a vision for the kinds of drivers they would become. We could have pointed out all the same scary stuff, but with a more proactive purpose.
- “When you’re a driver, you’ll remember to use turn signals so that the driver behind you doesn’t have to guess your intentions like we’re trying to do with the truck in front of us right now!”
- “When you’re a driver, you’ll slow down at yellow lights and not put lives at risk by speeding through a red like that car — which would have hit us if we’d gone on our green.”
- “When you’re a driver, you’ll know that tailgating is expensive; in California, rear-ending someone is always your fault.”
4. Demonstrate and delegate tracking of car-related upkeep and expenses.
I’m not suggesting nit-picky record-keeping. But if you keep a small spiral notebook, a calculator, and a pencil in the glove compartment, your kids can write down all the key numbers at the gas station and calculate your car’s mileage. As they get older, they’ll have an idea of how much a run to the mall, or a road trip to see a friend, will cost.
Even when they’re young, they can keep track of maintenance and repair costs, too. Otherwise, it’s all too easy for kids to think that cars just magically keep running on their own without effort or expense from the owner.
5. Discuss transportation goals and expectations.
A couple years ago, Annemarie lived and worked four hours from home. She e-mailed me to ask if I’d come get her for the 4th of July and was crushed when I declined to drive sixteen hours to have her home for twenty-four. As I struggled with resentment at her reaction, I realized that Daniel and I had never talked about when to drive our kids somewhere and when to let them arrange their own transportation.
I wish we’d had periodic family discussions about the difference between transportation needs (i.e. getting to school) and wants (i.e. meeting friends at the mall.) And I wish we’d laid out clear expectations about treating parental drivers with respect, by asking rather than demanding, giving plenty of advance notice, expressing gratitude, having a positive attitude, offering to pay for gas, etc.
On June 12, Annemarie waited for two nerve-wracking hours for her twenty-minute appointment at the DMV. When she got out of the car and yelled, “I PASSED!” I knew she’d passed more than just her driving test. She’d passed an important marker on her road from childhood into adulthood.
And while every “child” needs reach this milestone at her own pace, we moms can make sure we’re helping our kids move forward rather than accidentally holding them back.
Your Turn!
- At what age did you start driving? Get your license? Was it too early, too late, or just right?
- How are you proactively preparing your child(ren) to be responsible drivers?
- What discussions are you having with your children about their transportation needs?
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