I sighed and prayed as I walked to her bedroom. She wailed, fearful of her punishment. Earlier she spoke out of anger and frustration. Her disrespectful words hit their mark. Anger flashed in my eyes, my tone betrayed my wrath, but by God’s grace I did not yell – a sign of His fruit in my life.
I opened the door and encouraged her to calm down. She took heaving breaths as tears soaked her bed. When she quieted we talked. It was a humbling time for both of us. We admitted our faults and failures. Then talked about how we can do better next time.
I don’t know which parenting book I read that spoke of this kind of debriefing, but mamas let me tell you it is wonderfully painful. A debriefing is a time of discussion that occurs before and sometimes after a punishment. During this discussion you make sure your child knows what he or she did and you clearly state the punishment. Then after the punishment is over we talk again about why he or she received the punishment and how to avoid it in the future. Here is an example.
Bobby yelled and screamed when he was told to clean his room. Since he is out of control, his mom sends him to time out to settle down. If he can hear her over his tantrum his mom might say, “I am sending you to time out because you are yelling at mommy instead of cleaning your room.” Sometimes there is no way to have a conversation at this point, if that happens she just waits for Bobby to calm down.
Once Bobby calms, his mom says, “Bobby, throwing a fit when I ask you to do something is not honoring me. The Bible says, “Honor your father and mother…,” (Deuteronomy 5:16). I know it can be hard to obey and honor your mommy all the time, but you must have self-control. When you get angry what are some ways you can calm down?”
Bobby’s mom listens to him and then offers suggestions he can try next time he gets angry. She suggests Bobby asks Jesus for help, takes a deep breath, or talks about his feelings.
After Bobby and his mom discuss tools to help Bobby control his anger, Bobby’s mom discusses his punishment. “Your punishment for throwing a tantrum when I asked you to clean your room is ___________________________ (an age appropriate punishment).” Then Bobby’s mom follows through with the assigned punishment.
After Bobby’s punishment his mom may talk to him again. “You know Bobby I am sorry you had to {insert punishment} because you threw a fit. I hope you remember this punishment so you won’t throw a fit next time you get angry.”
The primary goal of a debriefing session is to make sure your child knows what he or she did wrong and clearly state the consequences of those actions. The secondary goal is to offer tools to help your child avoid the wrong behavior in the future. These debriefing times also give you a chance to calm down before administering the punishment.
It is helpful during these sessions to let your child know you understand their emotions. Perhaps tell a story about how you felt when your parents punished you. Share about times you lost your temper or even ask your child what you do when you lose your temper. You may be surprised how much they notice your whispered prayers, deep breaths, or loud voice.
Debriefing takes time. It is humbling and sometimes tiring, but it is worth it. Remember to enter each session with prayer for the right words to say and for your own self-control and patience. Debriefing transforms punishments into relationship building times. Some of the sweetest and deepest conversations I have with my children come from great debriefing times.
Remember moms, we will never be perfect at this mom thing and so we will never be perfect at debriefing. Sometimes those conversations are wonderful, other times they are painful and frustrating. Don’t give-up. It is worth the time invested.
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