Rest

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Hammock on Beach

And on the seventh day God rested.  Hebrews 4:4

My mother passed away ten minutes before Easter, April 11, 2009. To say I was close to my mother is an understatement. We spoke on the phone daily. She taught my son Latin; I took her to Disney World. Even during my tumultuous teen years, Mom and I were tight. I was there at her side with my stepdad Easter eve. We had to tell the EMTs to stop the CPR and let her accept heaven’s beckon.

Life hiccupped but kept moving. My daily tears ceased after about a week, and images of that night slightly faded from immediate memory. My children, though enamored with Grandma, were surprisingly resilient. I’m so thankful for that! Everyday activities resumed. I dove into work and took on every editing job I was offered.  I thought I was being surprisingly resilient too.

Then Satan started kicking me while I was down. He threw other concerns in my face. I panicked over finances. I dropped editing jobs. I lost inspiration to write. I couldn’t keep a schedule. One day I took my son to the orthodontist only to be told his appointment was two weeks away! I’m still wondering where I was really supposed to be that Wednesday at 9:50 a.m.

I felt scattered, confused, lost. I’d been trying so hard to carry on in my new normal that I caved under the weight of the burden I didn’t want to carry. My heart hurt. I confided to a friend that although I’m nowhere near as righteous as Job, I could certainly commiserate. It seemed to me that Satan kept approaching God saying, “Well that didn’t turn her away from You, but let me try this!” And God kept saying, “OK.”

In 1997, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Over the ensuing twelve years, I lost twelve loved ones, including both parents and a daughter. I’ll be honest. I’m tired of God allowing me to hurt, both physically and emotionally. I’ve learned not to question His methods, though. After all, Job got blasted when he did that. “Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said: ‘Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me’” (Job 38:1-3). Yikes! Brace yourself. God went on, “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!” (Job 38:4-5).  Now, I know we are to “approach the throne of grace with confidence,” but some reverent reservation is required as well if we want to “receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

A friend of mine, Kathi, posted a blog entry that helped restore my clarity. As the full-time caregiver of her elderly mother, she too had experienced life’s challenges. At one point, her mother lapsed into a critical medical condition. Amidst this stress, my friend was trying to meet deadlines and manage a multitude of other responsibilities. Kathi wrote that her soul was at peace despite her dire circumstances. She reminded the reader—me—that sometimes heartache is necessary for the fulfillment of God’s purpose, and she presented Queen Esther as an example.

In her blog post Kathi pondered, “If [Esther] had perished in the attempt [to save the Jewish people], would she have failed? Would she have wasted her life?” In answer to the questions, Kathi said, “Not if that was God’s purpose for her being here in the first place!”

I realized I should be happy about being sad. Well, not necessarily chipper and bouncy, but I should smile when I hurt if my hurt is accomplishing the Lord’s plan. So what if I suffer if it’s for God’s glory?

As a sinner, I deserve nothing good, so why do I expect never-ending rainbows and terminal sunshine? A garden doesn’t flourish without stinky fertilizer or decomposing compost. Diamonds don’t sparkle unless they’re cut and polished. Gold doesn’t shine unless it’s mined and refined. I cannot be what God needs me to be if I reject the bad and accept only the good. After all, “He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous” (Matt. 5:45).

I realized I was focusing too much on myself and allowing my sorrow to hinder God’s work. I was stopping Him by feeling sorry for myself. Not that I shouldn’t grieve, but I should embrace it for what it is: a way for God’s light to shine to those around me. My attitude must reflect that of Peter and the apostles when they were ordered not to teach the name of Jesus. They replied, “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). Yes, even when it hurts—especially when it hurts.

When I stop stressing myself out, when I get myself out of God’s way, when I start letting His work be done in me even when it hurts me, I can rest in Him. I am relieved of my worries, because I’ve allowed God His control. I don’t have to wonder if I’ve made the right decision when God’s already made it for me. I find peace, because I know I’m participating in His strategy. That also brings me joy to know He found me worthy of the task. I want to do all I can to honor my Father. In return, He “Let[s] the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders” (Deut. 33:12).

By Jodi Whisenhunt

Stephanie Shott
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